Kudos to my mom! My two boys are the youngest of her 21 grandkids, and I’ve never noticed any favoritism in how she treats them. If she happens to forget to send a birthday check—she loves to add a quirky amount like $25.17—she makes sure to include a funny note in all the grandkids’ cards for the rest of the year. Something like, “Oops! I forgot to give Sam some birthday cash, so you all get nada! Better luck next time!” She finds it hilarious, and so do they. I can just imagine my dad, had he lived to meet his youngest grandsons, joining in on the fun as well. He would have treated them just like their cousins, without a second thought about their adoption.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case with my mother-in-law, Janet. She’s always had clear favorites, and my boys have never made the cut—out of just nine grandkids, they’re definitely not in her top seven. Janet has a bit of a narcissistic streak and thrives on the admiration of others. In her world, she flaunts her designer bags and luxury cars, while in her grandchildren’s realm, she dazzles them with lavish trips to Disney and fancy tea parties with real china.
But my sons? They’re not impressed. What they long for is a grandparent who shows genuine interest in their world—like the time they discovered how many tennis balls they could jam into the rain gutters. Instead, Janet often interrupts their stories to boast about their cousins’ academic achievements or sports trophies. To her, my kids seem more like outsiders. She even makes snide comments, jokingly suggesting their differences stem from being adopted.
Looking back, I missed some warning signs about her lack of acceptance. Years before my boys came home from Korea, a couple in town adopted a daughter from China, and Janet thought they were being selfish. “Why would they do that to their parents?” she scoffed. “The child won’t even resemble them!” That attitude predictably seeped into her response to our decision to adopt. We kept the news hush-hush, and any mention of adoption was quickly dismissed by her loud remarks, almost as if we were revealing family secrets.
Why did I think things would change? Janet had ample time to warm up to the idea of my new sons before they arrived, and I hoped she’d instantly embrace them the moment she saw their adorable faces. But it wasn’t love at first sight; they were viewed as outsiders right from the start.
“I love all my grandchildren equally,” Janet likes to say. But the gifts under the tree tell a different story. The other grandsons always receive matching winter coats, which they find silly but meaningful. My boys, on the other hand, usually end up with whatever random sweaters don’t sell—old man styles that inevitably end up in the donation bin.
Surprisingly, my sons seem to have gained a bit of ground in her affection, mostly because the other grandkids have moved away. At my eldest’s high school graduation, Janet actually hugged him and said tearfully, “I’m so glad you became part of our family.” My husband thought it was sweet, but I couldn’t help but feel it was too little, too late. The word “became” stuck out to me. She could have easily said “I’m so glad you are part of our family,” a sentiment she would have expressed to her biological grandkids. Her choice of words showed that, in her eyes, my son was still an outsider—even after all this time.
If you’re navigating similar family dynamics, you might find comfort and support in groups like Make a Mom, a free sperm donor matching community, or explore Make a Mom for at-home insemination options. To learn how it all works, check out this guide. For those considering the journey of parenthood, the CDC offers valuable resources on pregnancy and family planning. And for those looking for supplies, Make a Mom’s insemination kits are a great choice!
In conclusion, navigating family relationships can be tricky, especially when it comes to acceptance. It’s essential to find communities and resources that support your journey, whether through adoption or other paths to parenthood.
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