Navigating arguments with your teenager can be a tricky terrain, especially when emotions run high. Take Jenna, for example. Her 15-year-old son, Max, is usually easygoing, but during the pandemic, they found themselves clashing over screen time. With remote learning and lockdowns, Jenna wanted to stick to their old rules, while Max felt the weight of isolation as his social life shifted online. One heated exchange led to Jenna grounding him completely from screens—except for schoolwork. Max ended up in tears, and while Jenna felt she had enforced her authority, she realized it hadn’t achieved anything positive.
Reflecting on the argument, Jenna recognized that she had bulldozed over Max’s feelings and concerns. It wasn’t just about the screen time; it was about feeling unheard. So, she took a step back and returned to his room with a different approach: a genuine desire to understand his perspective. Through their conversation, Jenna discovered that Max was using screens to maintain connections with friends, something that was crucial for his well-being during the pandemic. They ended up creating new rules together, fostering a sense of collaboration rather than conflict.
Think Like a Scientist in Arguments
In his book Think Again, Adam Grant suggests that we often argue like preachers, prosecutors, or politicians, rather than adopting a more inquisitive approach like scientists. Jenna realized she tended to fall into the prosecutor role, throwing facts and logic at Max instead of genuinely listening. This realization reminded her of that painful argument over screen time and how much better it went when she approached with curiosity.
With younger children, it’s often necessary to take charge. After all, you do know better in many situations. But as kids grow into teenagers, it’s essential to loosen that grip. If we aim to raise independent, confident individuals, we must start treating them as partners in conversations. Jenna found that the most productive discussions with Max occurred when she asked open-ended questions, allowing him to express his thoughts and feelings without feeling attacked.
Listening Doesn’t Always Mean Agreeing
Of course, sometimes you need to set firm boundaries for safety or well-being. However, a teenager who feels truly heard is more likely to accept a “no” when it comes with understanding rather than just a command. If you find yourself in a standoff, take a moment to evaluate which role you’re playing. Are you trying to win by preaching, prosecuting, or seeking emotional approval? Instead, think like a scientist: prioritize understanding over authority. You might discover that your teen has valid reasons for their feelings, and you may even change your mind in the process.
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Summary
Engaging with your teenager in a healthy and constructive way is about more than just asserting your authority. By adopting a curious mindset and listening to their perspectives, you can foster open dialogue and strengthen your relationship. Instead of aiming to “win” arguments, strive to understand and collaborate. This approach not only empowers your teen but also helps you grow as a parent.
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