I am not expecting a child, as confirmed by the three pregnancy tests I disposed of in my bathroom trash can. Considering I have an IUD securely placed in my uterus, this result is not particularly surprising. However, yesterday I woke up feeling unwell—my stomach was gurgling and cramping, and I had a persistent heartburn that felt like it was radiating from my chest. On top of that, I’ve been feeling fatigued for several weeks.
“Maybe you’re pregnant,” my partner, Lucas, suggested.
“No way,” I replied firmly. “That’s impossible. I probably just overindulged in Fiber One bars. Besides, we cannot have a baby right now.”
But as the day progressed, my confidence began to waver. I found myself tearing up at the end of a movie about dogs, sipping lemon tea, and nibbling on toast. I even started to imagine how we would explain to our kids that we had to rehome our puppy, but they would receive a new sibling in return. I mentally drafted blog posts announcing the news and instinctively guarded my belly when my son, Tyler, jumped on me. In a fleeting moment, I contemplated that perhaps having another child wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Lucas returned home with a new set of tests, and as I anxiously used each one, they all returned a single line. This was indeed a relief; had the results been positive, I would have been in a state of panic. We simply cannot afford another baby right now, and the ensuing chaos would have been overwhelming. Yet, I couldn’t shake off a feeling of disappointment.
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In summary, while I faced a wave of emotions regarding the possibility of pregnancy, the tests ultimately reassured me. As I reflect on this experience, it serves as a reminder of the complex feelings that come with family planning.
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