I’m the quirky mom with two sets of twins – yes, you read that right! My eldest twins are 7, and my younger set is 4. Among them, one of my 4-year-olds engages and communicates like a champ, while her twin sister, diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder just before her third birthday, mainly communicates nonverbally. Although she’s made remarkable progress in her therapies over the last year, it’s clear that she doesn’t interact with her siblings the same way as her talkative sister does. This can be tough on everyone, especially her siblings, who often wonder why she seems less interested in them.
It’s not uncommon for my other kids to feel a bit jealous about the extra attention I give to their sister with autism. They might ask, “Why does she get more of your time?” or “Why does she eat different food?” The hardest questions, though, hit right in the heart: “Why doesn’t she like me?” I find myself reassuring them that it’s not about lack of interest. Thankfully, I’ve discovered several effective ways to help my kids build a connection with their sister.
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
When my daughter has a different meal than the rest of us, I make sure to validate my other kids’ feelings. I’ll say something like, “I understand you’re upset that we’re having hamburgers while your sister has pancakes. That can feel really unfair.” Then I explain, “She isn’t ready to eat what we are having right now, and it’s my job to make sure she eats what works for her. Sometimes that means making different choices.”
2. Educate Them About Autism
Kids can’t grasp why their sister has different needs if they don’t understand autism. So, I keep things simple. I explain that their sister experiences the world in a more sensitive way. Through inclusive books and shows like Sesame Street, my children are gaining knowledge about autism and developing empathy.
3. Model Positive Behavior
When my daughter with ASD is overwhelmed and screams, I try to stay calm and help her self-regulate rather than getting flustered. I’ve noticed my kids picking up on the techniques I use, like giving her gentle squeezes or using a therapeutic brush. This not only teaches them empathy but also creates a safe emotional environment for their sister.
4. Engage in Group Play
Family playtime is a great way to teach my kids how to interact with their sister in a fun way. She loves sensory play, so we rotate through sensory bins full of sand, slime, and play-doh. We also do arts and crafts or just be silly together. These shared activities help everyone feel closer.
5. Discuss Triggers and Sensitivities
While my daughter may not respond well to others invading her personal space, she sometimes forgets about boundaries. We address these moments and help my kids understand why their sister behaves that way, validating their feelings and de-escalating situations.
6. Set Quality Time Aside for Each Child
Before becoming a mom, I thought I could equally divide my time among my kids. But once I had them, I realized each child has different needs. My daughter with autism often requires more attention, but that doesn’t mean I neglect my other kids. I carve out special time for each child daily, ensuring they all feel loved and valued.
7. Avoid Expecting Typical Responses
When Halloween rolled around, one of my kids expressed concern that their sister would get overwhelmed, and she did – after just a couple of houses, she was ready to head home. Instead of insisting we all stick together, I arranged for my mom to take her home while the others continued trick-or-treating. It’s essential to recognize that sometimes, experiences that may seem essential to our other kids might not work for their sister.
Ultimately, I’ve had to let go of the idea of a “normal” family and embrace the unique dynamics we have. Our household has various forms of neurodivergence, and it’s important to celebrate our individuality. This approach has strengthened the bonds between my kids.
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Summary
Building strong bonds among siblings, especially when one child has autism, is challenging yet rewarding. By validating feelings, educating kids about autism, modeling positive behavior, engaging in group play, discussing triggers, setting aside quality time, and adjusting expectations, families can navigate these dynamics successfully. Embracing each child’s uniqueness fosters a loving and supportive environment.
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