Originally Published: September 2, 2010
Recently, I experienced what many parents recognize as “the look.” It’s been a while since I felt that spine-tingling moment, which transported me back to when my children were young and those looks were a regular occurrence. If you’re a parent, you surely know the look I mean. It’s that fleeting, sideways glance your children cast toward you when they accomplish something they’re proud of, as they sneak peaks to ensure you’re watching from the audience. This is the look that leads to countless soccer goals scored while players scan the stands for their mom or dad. It’s the reason little leaguers often find themselves “doubled off” as they absentmindedly drift away from the base, distracted by the need to confirm that their parents noticed them reach it in the first place. The look is also present during a school play, a piano recital, or a dance performance when they take a bow. And when your child gives you that look, it’s crucial to reciprocate, lest they panic, fearing you missed the entire purpose of their gesture. Kids are well aware that there are no instant replays in life.
This past spring, we attended a kindergarten “graduation” ceremony for a dear friend’s grandson, where looks were abundant. Like every other tiny graduate adorned in caps and gowns, he frequently looked over to his parents while waiting for his diploma, again as he received it from the teacher (who he forgot to shake hands with due to his focus on his parents), and once more upon returning to his seat. We only knew this one graduate, but as each of his classmates crossed the stage, we could easily identify their proud parents by following their intense looks.
In our sports-focused household, we always anticipated those looks during games and matches. We consistently sat in the same bleacher spot to minimize our children’s distraction in searching for us. As they matured, they attempted to hide the looks, striving to appear cool and indifferent to our reactions. Yet we still caught them stealing glances, quick checks from the corners of their eyes while dribbling down the basketball court or striding across the tennis court after serving an ace. For certain moments, I developed a signature response that my kids came to expect: I would tap my fist over my heart, a gesture symbolizing… well, I wasn’t entirely sure what it represented. Perhaps it expressed pride in their achievements, or gratitude for having healthy, happy children, and for being fortunate enough to witness their small victories. Sometimes this gesture was a way to offer a silver lining on the car ride home after a disappointing loss. Not every achievement warranted a heart tap; it was typically reserved for game-winning shots and crucial hits. Occasionally, I would add flair by pointing directly at my young athlete, as if to say, “this tap is just for you.”
Now that our children are grown and living independently, those looks have become rare. A few years ago, as our daughter was leaving for graduate school, she turned back to wave before entering the security line at the airport and gave us that look. I felt emotional and tapped my chest. When our eldest son took his oath for the New York State Bar, he too gave us the look, leading to another heartfelt chest tap. At his wedding a couple of years earlier, he didn’t direct the look at us; he saved it for his new wife. We chose to let it slide.
Earlier this summer, as our youngest son marched with his classmates to receive his college diploma, he turned toward us and gave us a prolonged look. This was not just a glance; it was a cumulative acknowledgment of all the smaller milestones we had missed that contributed to this significant moment. As he locked eyes with us, he raised his hands in a celebratory gesture, mouthing “thank you.” I gently tapped my chest and pointed right at him.
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In summary, the look is a poignant reminder of the bond between parents and children, encapsulating moments of pride and connection that transcend the years. While our children may grow and become independent, the significance of those glances remains a cherished part of our shared journey.
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