What Is Unconscious Gaslighting? A Potential Relationship Destroyer

Is Your Relationship in Trouble? Unconscious Gaslighting Could Be the Culprit

Here’s what to keep an eye on.

When people consider gaslighting, they often think of one individual deliberately manipulating another. However, the reality can be more complex: gaslighting can also occur unconsciously. Unconscious gaslighting, similar to gaslighting by parents, involves a toxic dynamic where the person engaging in gaslighting is unaware of their actions.

The term “gaslighting” has its roots in the 1944 film noir Gaslight, which was based on the 1938 play Gas Light. The story revolves around a man who manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity, allowing him to carry out his nefarious plans. This psychological thriller illustrates how one partner can undermine the other’s reality, leading them to question their own memories and perceptions.

Unconscious gaslighting, sometimes called “unintentional gaslighting” or “shadow gaslighting,” is less overt. According to therapist Alex Thompson, everyone has an unconscious self that includes parts of us we’ve rejected or hidden because they may be distressing or socially unacceptable. These hidden aspects can unknowingly influence our interactions, leading to manipulative behaviors that the individual may not recognize. Although there is no malicious intent, this still constitutes a form of psychological and emotional abuse.

How to Recognize Unconscious Gaslighting

Identifying if you’re a victim of unconscious gaslighting can be challenging. If you find yourself doubting your confidence, self-worth, or intuition, especially in relation to a specific person, you might be experiencing unconscious gaslighting. As Dr. Jamie Lee, a psychologist, explains, this form of manipulation often distracts the victim from the gaslighter’s behavior, making it difficult to see the truth.

Signs of unconscious gaslighting may include:

Undermining your perception of reality
Invalidating your emotions
A disconnect between words and actions
Exploiting your guilt
Playing the victim
Lack of empathy for your feelings
Inducing guilt over things beyond your control

Common phrases that reflect this behavior might include:

Saying, “I feel hurt,” when really feeling angry.
Claiming, “This is all your fault,” while sharing blame.
Asserting, “Everything is fine,” when conflict is being avoided.

Impact on Relationships

Unconscious gaslighting can affect any type of relationship—romantic, familial, platonic, or professional. The gaslighter’s hidden motives may lead to deceit and manipulation, often leaving the affected person questioning their own memory and judgment.

How to Address Unconscious Gaslighting

The first step in combating unconscious gaslighting is recognizing that it is occurring. This can be particularly difficult when you’re being led to doubt your own reality. It’s crucial to bring these behaviors to light and discuss them with the person who is unknowingly gaslighting you. If you find yourself in the role of the gaslighter, being receptive to feedback is essential, as you may not be aware of your actions. Open communication is key to resolving these issues and fostering healthier relationships.

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In summary, unconscious gaslighting is a subtle yet damaging form of emotional manipulation that can deeply affect relationships. Recognizing its signs and maintaining open communication are crucial steps toward healthier interactions.