By: Lydia Johnson
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Oct. 20, 2010
It’s quite possible that you have always identified as a slim girl. However, more likely, you’ve navigated life through various body shapes, experiencing the common fluctuations many of us face. You might have been slender at age 10, heavier at 13, experienced the “Freshman 15” at 19, then slimmed down for your wedding, only to face changes again with pregnancy, postpartum body shifts, and potentially more pregnancies. This cyclical journey is familiar to most women, especially mothers, who witness the sometimes drastic changes our bodies endure over a lifetime.
Factors such as hormones, adolescence, pregnancy, and dieting contribute to these transformations. It’s rare for a woman to maintain the same weight or shape for extended periods. While boys may also undergo significant changes, societal scrutiny often places female bodies under a harsher lens. The feminine form is frequently critiqued for its curves, cellulite, and the tendency to fluctuate, sometimes monthly.
You might expect that this variability would foster compassion among women towards others with different body types. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Women tend to judge each other more harshly regarding size and shape than men do. From a young age, we compare ourselves and assign value based on body image.
Once puberty hits, typically around age 9, the diversity of body shapes among girls becomes strikingly evident. Some remain very thin well into their teenage years; others develop curves and fullness; some grow taller than their mothers by age 11, while others retain a more youthful appearance into their mid-teens. My own daughter, though not particularly large, appears older than some of her two-years-older peers, while my seventh-grader’s friends have already surpassed me in height and weight. This variance is natural, yet the societal perceptions of girls in this age group are often negative, and parents play a role in this narrative.
If you’re the mother of a slim daughter, do you feel a sense of pride? Do you believe you’ve accomplished something noteworthy? Do you wish for your daughter to maintain her slender frame? If you are the mother of a daughter who is overweight, do you find yourself anxiously monitoring her eating habits or worrying about her future self-esteem? Many of you may resonate with these concerns.
These feelings are understandable, rooted in the struggles many women face regarding body image. The term “grief” aptly describes the shame, anxiety, and inferiority that often accompany our perceptions of our bodies. I can’t prescribe a solution to alleviate these feelings, as they are ingrained in our societal conditioning. However, it saddens me how these sentiments can cloud our ability to appreciate and love our remarkable daughters.
You may claim that your desire for your daughter to achieve a “healthy weight” is for her benefit, and to some extent, I believe that’s true. We all want our children to thrive. Yet, when parents of slim girls boast or when parents of heavier girls feel ashamed, these reactions hinder our ability to love them in a way that promotes their mental wellbeing.
Consider pushing weight down the list of attributes that define your affection for your child. Are you projecting your insecurities and societal biases onto her? When your slender daughter gains weight, do you want her self-worth to be shaken? Will you feel content if your heavier daughter avoids situations like beach outings due to body image fears? Ultimately, you don’t want your daughter to associate your love with her weight, and I know that’s a universal sentiment.
Love,
A mother of two daughters who are uniquely complex, humorous, kind, and beautiful in my eyes.
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Summary:
This letter addresses the complex and often challenging relationship mothers have with their daughters regarding body image and weight. It emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of size, while acknowledging the societal pressures that contribute to negative self-perception. Ultimately, the message encourages mothers to focus on loving their daughters for who they are, rather than how they look.
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