Contraceptive Choices: The Not-So-Great Options for Preventing Pregnancy

home insemination kit

Ah, the six-week post-delivery checkup. What does that mean? It’s time to resume intimate relations with my loving partner. Well, that’s if I can muster the energy. Between breastfeeding, hormonal fluctuations, and the discomfort down there, the last thing I want is to engage in the act of making love. Let’s not even mention the exhaustion—I could easily doze off at a rock concert. And intimacy? It comes with the risk of pregnancy, a situation I expertly navigated just recently. So, here’s a look at how my six-week follow-up went.

Doctor: What birth control are you using?

Me: Our child.

Doctor: (perplexed)

Me: Seriously, he’s practically a permanent barrier between us.

Doctor: What happens when he’s not around?

Me: (silence)

Doctor: Have you considered options for when he begins sleeping in his own room?

Me: Isn’t there some magic pill that makes me temporarily infertile?

Doctor: Yes, it’s called the pill.

Me: No way! I’d have to remember to take that every single day. I’m looking for something that can completely shut down my system for a while.

Doctor: That would be the Kaput pill.

Me: Really?

Doctor: No, not at all. How about a vasectomy?

At this point, I wondered if she thought I should stop having children altogether.

Me: That feels too final. My husband is completely done, but I’m only about 98% sure. Yes, I know I’m 40 (stop judging me!), but I read about a woman who had a baby at 62. I’m not closing that chapter just yet.

After some back-and-forth about my options, here’s my perspective on why the ‘cockblocking’ baby is a more viable birth control method for me than the alternatives available:

1. IUD: Many of my mom friends swear by IUDs, but the horror stories about the little strings are enough to deter me. You have to check them periodically, and I can only imagine the awkwardness. It feels like having a permanent reminder of a forgotten tampon.
2. Condoms: The cost of condoms has skyrocketed; it feels like I’m paying for sex—hilarious since I’d practically need to be paid to engage in it these days. And let’s not even discuss the struggle of unrolling them; the last thing you want is an upside-down condom ruining the moment.
3. Female Condom: Ever heard of anyone using one? Me neither. Sure, it’s 95% effective, and it has some perks, but just saying “female condom” out loud feels mortifying.
4. Diaphragm: Aren’t those relics from the 1950s? I can’t imagine carrying one around and then having it fall out of my purse at the store—awkward doesn’t begin to cover it.
5. Cervical Cap: I had to look this up, and it’s described as a silicone cup shaped like a sailor’s hat. No thanks! I’m not interested in anything that brings Fleet Week to mind when it comes to my reproductive health.
6. Sponge: The very word makes me cringe. Why would anyone want to use a birth control method named after a cleaning product? Plus, with an efficacy of only 80%, that’s like playing Russian roulette with my fertility. The stakes? A crying, demanding baby.

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In conclusion, navigating the realm of birth control post-baby is fraught with challenges and laughter. While I might have my baby as a natural contraceptive for now, the options out there certainly leave much to be desired.