It’s Me, Mom
During the pandemic, my children—four lively tweens and teens—became my closest companions: my walking buddies, kitchen sous chefs, and even my audience for my questionable jokes. They were the ones I celebrated with on New Year’s Eve and my movie partners on Saturday nights. Our entire social life revolved around each other, day in and day out. We snuggled under piles of blankets, munching on popcorn and chocolate, creating our own little cocoon.
But then, one cold winter evening, it happened. My youngest, just 11, announced he was heading to bed. As I started to rise from the couch to tuck him in, he quickly added, “No, Mom. I want to say goodnight to you here. I don’t want you to tuck me in.” Those simple words felt like a dagger to my heart. My little one, who used to shower me with goodnight kisses, now offered only a quick peck on my forehead before dashing upstairs.
That was just the beginning. A few weeks later, I asked my 13-year-old daughter what movie we should watch that night. With pity in her eyes, she replied, “I’m really sorry, Mom, but I want to FaceTime my friends instead of watching a movie with you.” She gave me a quick hug before dashing off to her room, leaving me feeling rejected.
As my kids began to re-engage with their friends, I noticed more instances of them choosing socializing over family time. Don’t get me wrong—I was ecstatic that they were able to return to normalcy and enjoy the activities that kids their age should partake in. Yet, inside, it stung. Where were my little companions going? I understood that it’s natural for adolescents to seek independence and distance from their parents, but grasping that intellectually didn’t make it easier to experience emotionally. It felt like my kids were breaking up with me.
But here’s the kicker—it’s not about me; it’s about their growth. The ultimate goal of parenting is to nurture our children’s independence until they can stand on their own. After years of hard work—sleep training, potty training, and teaching them to navigate the world independently—we must let them go. It’s best for their development, even if it’s painful for us.
We also need to handle our reactions to their newfound independence wisely, ensuring we don’t undermine all our efforts. So, how do we deal with moments when they request more space, like asking us to drop them off a block away from their friends? How do we adjust to their distancing, especially after the closeness of the past couple of years? Here are three reminders to help maintain our composure when it feels like our kids are moving on.
1. Don’t Burden Them with Our Feelings
While it’s natural to feel hurt when our children seek independence, we must remember that this is a normal part of their growth. It’s not fair to make them feel guilty for wanting to spend time with friends instead of us. For instance, if my daughter chooses to FaceTime her friends instead of having a movie night, I can respond with, “I’m happy you’re connecting with your friends. Let’s plan another time to watch something together.”
2. Establish New Rituals
Just because our kids are pulling away doesn’t mean we should abandon family time. They still need to feel connected to us, and we must ensure their safety. Instead of withdrawing, we can find fresh ways to bond. For example, I could ask my youngest, “I’ll miss tucking you in. Can we come up with a new way to say goodnight?”
3. Encourage Constructive Communication
If our children are learning to assert their independence, it’s our responsibility to guide them in expressing their needs thoughtfully. If their approach comes off as rude, we can help refine it. Instead of saying, “Leave me alone, Mom,” they might articulate, “Could you drop me off a couple of blocks from school? I feel embarrassed with you walking with me.”
As parents, we’re in it for the long haul. The most significant indicator of our success is that our kids feel confident enough to leave us. The most rewarding sign is that they want to return to us out of choice, not necessity.
For more insights on parenting and relationships, check out this related blog post. It’s also worthwhile to explore expert resources on pregnancy and home insemination, like those from MedlinePlus and Make a Mom.
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In summary, while it’s natural to feel a sense of loss as our children grow more independent, it’s crucial to embrace this phase of their development. By fostering open communication and creating new bonding experiences, we can maintain our connection with them while supporting their journey toward independence.
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