When I was a new mom, I never imagined how my culinary standards would shift. I distinctly remember a piece of green pepper tumbling from my pizza slice right onto my nursing baby’s head. Without a second thought, I plucked it off and popped it in my mouth. My partner’s slightly impressed expression marked the start of a new era in our eating habits. We had entered the realm of parenthood, where survival often dictates our dining choices. Fast forward seven years, and our once-nursing baby—now a seven-year-old who despises green peppers—has three younger siblings, and our family has navigated a buffet of unique culinary experiences. While we occasionally indulge in our favorite seafood restaurant or enjoy takeout chicken tikka masala on the couch, most of our meals come from what I fondly refer to as the Mom Menu. This ever-changing selection will keep you on your toes. Let’s dive into the appetizers:
Appetizers
- Yogurt cup lid, nearly covered in mixed berry residue
- Pretzel stick, salt licked away
- Roasted carrot piece, inadvertently dipped in ketchup
- Plastic hot dog bun, eagerly offered by a toddler
- Cucumber slices you reluctantly choose, knowing they won’t be snatched away
Not listed is the special Soup of the Day, recommended by the chef: cereal milk, room temperature and rainbow-colored, served in a small plastic bowl—sans spoon (the spoon is currently on the floor). This seasonal dish gains its vibrant hues from the special Lucky Charms ahead of St. Patrick’s Day. Now, for the main courses:
Entrées
- Seedy bread crusts, remnants of smooth peanut butter and grape jelly
- Cheeseburger, missing both cheese and patty, with tiny bites taken from the bun
- A burrito with everything, including black beans and corn salsa that no one dares touch unless you’re eating them
- Baked rosemary chicken with rice and broccoli, cut into pieces, cold and ignored, served on a divided plate
- Whatever you can scavenge and eat during the brief four minutes your toddler is happily occupied with a lime popsicle
Tonight’s entrée special features an extraordinarily crafted soft flour tortilla, boasting two precise bite holes. When held up to your face, it transforms into an edible mask. And finally:
Desserts
- Ice cream sandwich, with a dip in the pool, residual chlorine included
- Oreo cookie, icing meticulously removed
- A blueberry that blended into a dark knot on your hardwood floor, surprisingly un-smushed
- Bottom of a red velvet cupcake
- Gatorade backwash sip, Cool Blue
This evening’s dessert special consists of that delightful concoction of cake crumbs, birthday cake remnants, and frosting scraped off a grocery-store sheet cake tray—all enjoyed with your finger while you stand alone in the kitchen after the guests have left and the kids are asleep. It’s a moment made all the more sweet when your three-year-old, with the elastic string of a party hat pressing against his chubby cheeks, tells you it was the best day of his life. This dessert is the very reason you find yourself here.
Jamie Collins lives in Durham, North Carolina, where she writes and raises her little ones. Her work has appeared in various publications, and when she’s not busy with family, she enjoys cozying up on the South Carolina beach, cheering for her favorite tennis player, and chasing down good stories.
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In summary, the journey of motherhood reshapes not just your life but also your palate. The Mom Menu evolves to include a variety of unexpected and often unappetizing delicacies, all centered around survival and nurturing your little ones.
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