A small head rests gently on my shoulder, sound asleep with its mouth wide open. I can feel the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, and the sweet scent of her breath is utterly captivating. I can’t help but kiss her face over and over again. In this moment, I experience an unparalleled sense of happiness and tranquility. My usually racing and anxious mind is surprisingly at peace. There’s nothing like the joy of having a newborn.
I am entranced by the exquisite details of these tiny beings. Their smooth skin, perfectly curled lashes, and little folded ears are simply enchanting. Those delicate, long fingernails and tiny wrinkled toes—oh, those toes! The fragrance of freshly washed hair and the soft folds of their necks are intoxicating. Watching their startles, yawns, sneezes, and stretches feels as if I’ve uncovered the secrets of the universe. I could gaze at them forever.
Their attachment brings me immense comfort. The bond we share is beautifully simple yet profoundly intense. This perfect symbiosis is essential for both of us. For me, the rush of oxytocin is more satisfying than any medication. There’s no struggle for independence; there are no rejections or wiped kisses—just pure acceptance of my overwhelming love. I wish I could envelop all of my kids in this affection indefinitely. Holding them, nursing them, and wrapping them in cozy carriers calms my anxious mind and brings me true euphoria; it’s where I feel most at home.
I am grateful for the limitations that come with having a newborn. The pressures of daily life fade away during those first few months. Days blur together in spit-up-stained sweatshirts, snuggled under warm blankets, with minimal distractions. Older siblings gather for family movie nights, and despite the chaos, it feels wonderful.
Sadly, this newborn phase is fleeting. I understand it must be, given how all-consuming and exhausting it is. It passes in an instant, leaving little evidence behind. Umbilical stumps fall away, toes become stinky, and swaddles are stored away. Today, as my last baby, Oliver, wanders around the kitchen calling my name, I am overcome with deep sadness.
This grief feels greedy and selfish, a feeling I often hesitate to acknowledge. Simultaneously, I am incredibly thankful for the blessings I have received. Yet, I can’t help but wish for more. I want to keep moving forward with my four growing children while also longing for the snuggles of a little one because I cannot imagine living without that joy.
So how do I let go? Right now, I’m striving for a shift in my mindset. I’m focusing on appreciating what I have instead of what I’ve lost. I’m trying to get excited about the upcoming stages of life that await me. I envision a future filled with moments of freedom as my children grow older and become more independent. I’m limiting my social media exposure since the algorithm bombards me with heart-wrenching images of cooing infants. Most importantly, I’m giving myself time, hoping that one day it won’t feel so overwhelming.
One day, I will see a new baby without yearning for another of my own. One day, I’ll browse through old hospital photos without wishing to relive those moments. One day, I’ll discover that newborn bliss in different aspects of my life. One day. Just not today.
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In summary, this heartfelt reflection captures the bittersweet experience of the newborn stage in parenthood. While the joy of those early moments is profound, the fleeting nature of this phase brings a sense of grief and longing for many parents. The author shares their journey of seeking gratitude for the present while navigating the emotional complexity of change.
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