Most of us experience a crush while in a relationship without ever sharing it with anyone. This isn’t because it’s a shameful secret; rather, it often feels insignificant—a fleeting interest in someone outside of our committed partnership. We might joke about our attraction to a friend or make a bit of extra effort to look our best when they’re around—perhaps applying mascara when we usually go without or choosing a more flattering outfit. We might catch ourselves daydreaming about them, wondering what they think of us. Yet, we remain secure in our love for our partner, with no intention of leaving. This phenomenon can be termed the Happily Coupled Crush (HCC). While HCCs may seem trivial, the impact of these crushes holds significant meaning.
Crushes can be potent—just ask any teenager. When we experience this rush, we can choose to view the attraction as something harmless or delve deeper to uncover what it reveals about our desires and their fulfillment. Lisa A. Phillips, author of the insightful book Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession, offers her thoughts on this topic. “Crushes are often wake-up calls,” she explains. “They can signal the beginning of exploring our sexuality and the potential for adult connections.” Phillips is currently working on a book focused on teens and relationships.
She adds, “While the reasons behind crushes remain largely unexplained, there are theories. The person you’re drawn to might symbolize unexplored possibilities—emotionally, sexually, or otherwise—prompting you to ask, ‘Have I made the right choices?’” Notably, both Jung and Freud have intriguing insights. Phillips resonates with Jung’s notion that a crush could reflect something we hesitate to embrace in ourselves. On the Freudian side, she mentions the idea of repetition compulsion, suggesting we may subconsciously seek someone reminiscent of past relationships.
For instance, if you had an unpredictable parent and choose a stable partner, you might find yourself attracted to a new coworker who exudes that same instability. This crush could signify unresolved feelings from your childhood. Our brains often gravitate toward familiar dynamics—even negative ones—even when our conscious minds know better.
Despite these psychological theories, Phillips believes that an HCC is mostly a positive experience. “Research indicates that for many in committed relationships, a crush can bring excitement and a sense of flirtation without threatening their partnership.” However, she warns that if a crush begins to feel too intense, it could lead to complications: “What starts as innocent fun can escalate, and that’s how affairs often begin.”
So, how can you assess whether your crush is simply playful, reflective of deeper issues, or something else? Phillips advises self-reflection. “Consider your upbringing and how your life could have taken different paths. Reflect on what might be missing in your life. Are you drawn to someone adventurous or creative? What does that reveal about your values and desires?” This line of questioning is beneficial not only during crushes but also when you feel a shift in your life.
Ultimately, Phillips emphasizes the importance of self-compassion for those with crushes. “Validate your feelings. Many people feel guilt or shame about their attractions, but having a crush isn’t wrong. They can offer valuable insights.” So, the next time you find your heart racing at the sight of that charming barista, take a moment to listen to what your emotions are trying to convey.
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Summary:
Experiencing a crush while in a loving relationship, termed the Happily Coupled Crush (HCC), is common. While these attractions may seem trivial, they can reveal deeper desires and prompt self-reflection about our choices and values. It’s essential to approach these feelings with understanding rather than guilt, as they can provide insights into our emotional landscape.
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