Unseen Achievements
One Sunday evening in January, my partner tucked our 2.5-year-old daughter, Lily, into her crib and went about his night. Minutes later, she proudly announced her arrival in our bedroom, exclaiming, “I climbed out!” This was a first for us, and it became clear we could no longer delay the transition to a big kid bed, a change we had jokingly discussed postponing until her teenage years. The very next night, we made the leap. I was not ready.
Most toddlers transition from crib to bed sometime between 18 months and age 3, with many making the switch by their third birthday. This broad timeline means that parents everywhere are faced with tough decisions, trying to balance their instincts with the “signs” baby sleep experts claim indicate it’s time to move on.
One major sign that I learned about (checks watch) three months too late is that it’s generally best to wait until age 3 for the transition. “Young toddlers are asserting their independence, but they lack reasoning skills,” says sleep consultant Mia Johnson. “Moving to a big kid bed too early can lead to intense power struggles.” Research shows that two-year-olds also struggle with impulse control, making it difficult for them to stay in bed while falling asleep or if they wake up during the night.
We quickly realized our mistake.
Lily had been an excellent sleeper since we sleep-trained her at five months. However, after the transition, she started waking up crying multiple times a night; bedtime became a drawn-out ordeal lasting over an hour; she would appear in our room before dawn, ready to start her day.
There are countless resources on managing the sleep disruptions that accompany this transition, so I won’t delve into those here. However, little has been discussed about how this change affects the parental experience — and the impact is significant.
We had been spoiled for two years with a child who happily stayed in her crib from 7 PM to 7 AM every night and for two uninterrupted hours during naptime. As every parent knows, those hours were pure gold: guaranteed moments when we could relax or simply enjoy life without the demands of another human.
Now, nothing feels certain. A major source of our parental control — the four walls of the crib — has been taken away, leaving us feeling powerless. Sure, healthy parenting isn’t about exerting control (“Above all, we want to avoid power struggles with our toddlers,” says Mia), but it’s certainly easier when you have the upper hand.
In those blissful crib days, after Lily went to bed, I would curl up in the nearby armchair with a book, listening to her chatter until she drifted off. It was idyllic. Now, when I sit in that chair, it’s a different story. Every few minutes, her door creaks open with a new request: she needs to go potty; she needs her favorite socks; she needs to know why I’m upstairs and Daddy is downstairs.
In those moments, I can feel my patience wearing thin, and irritation bubbling inside me. I repeatedly do what experts recommend: calmly and firmly remind her that it’s bedtime and she needs to return to bed. But as time drags on, I feel a sense of desperation. I have no control over when (or if!) my daughter sleeps, reigniting that fear I felt during the newborn phase — the dread that I might never sleep again, that this situation might last forever. In my most frustrated moments, I sometimes resort to threats — taking away toys or suggesting a return to the crib — and while they work occasionally, it’s a heavy-handed approach I strive to avoid with my child.
The worst consequence of this new struggle is that it makes me a less engaged parent during our waking hours. Without guaranteed time to unwind, I find myself rushing through bedtime, anxious to finish it quickly in hopes of grabbing a moment of peace before my own bedtime. Mornings after particularly rough nights, I wake to her cheerful face at my bedside at 6:15, filled with love, yes, but also resentment. During my only break from parenting, I was unconscious.
This transition has reminded me of a truth that parenthood often teaches: raising a child requires sacrificing personal joys for the things we cherish most. On nights when Lily won’t stay in bed, I first think about what I’ll miss out on. I can’t return downstairs to finish that show or sneak into my office for quiet writing time. I can only gently guide her back to bed, over and over.
But then I recall that this, like the newborn stage, is temporary. In no time, she’ll be shutting her bedroom door to keep me out, and eventually, that room will be empty, leaving me with endless quiet nights and peaceful mornings. It’s a sentimental thought, perhaps, but it’s true. It softens the blow of the reality that I will never fully win this power struggle, that right now, I’m on a quest to find a stuffed unicorn, my daughter’s essential sleep companion.
Jenna Carrington is a writer and editor whose work has appeared in various publications. She lives in Northern California with her partner and daughter and often daydreams about returning to Brooklyn. For more insights, check out this related post on the same topic.
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Summary:
The transition from crib to big kid bed can be a tumultuous experience, filled with unexpected challenges and power struggles. Parents often find themselves unprepared for the nightly battles that arise when their once-champion sleepers suddenly resist bedtime, leading to feelings of frustration and exhaustion. While this phase may feel overwhelming, it’s essential to remember that it is temporary, and the sacrifices made for the love of a child are part of the journey of parenthood.
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