I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with parents whose children are younger than mine, asking whether I still confiscate my kids’ phones. They share that it used to be an effective strategy, but not anymore. Many have recounted experiences similar to mine: “They used to react dramatically and behave better. Now, they seem indifferent when I take it, and I can’t seem to motivate them to earn it back.”
My kids received iPhones around the age of 12, and suddenly, I found a new leverage point. It quickly became clear that they preferred being sent to their rooms over losing their phones. I often wondered if they were acting out just to escape family time. They no longer cared about missing bedtime stories or desserts. The old threats of “Santa won’t come if you’re naughty” were long gone. Eventually, the phone strategy lost its effectiveness.
One day, my son got into trouble at school. When I picked him up, he casually handed me his phone, saying, “Here,” as if it didn’t affect him at all. A week later, I got another call from the school, and he told me he had already lost his phone, so he felt like he had nothing to lose. It began to feel like he was intentionally trading his phone for the chance to misbehave.
Before long, all three of my children were repeating the same behaviors, fully aware that I would simply take their phones away. It felt like the punishment was losing its meaning.
Eventually, I wouldn’t even need to ask for their phones anymore. They would just walk up and hand them over without any concern. This became an automatic response for both me and them. I recognized that it was making me a complacent parent.
I was simply taking their phones without engaging in meaningful conversations about their feelings or the reasons behind their actions. I wasn’t encouraging them to contribute more around the house or spending quality time with them — things I do now that actually yield results. I was removing their social connections and hoping that would resolve the issue, but it only resulted in increased frustration and resentment.
Let me clarify: I’m not suggesting that taking away phones is a lazy approach for all parents. For me, it became a crutch, and it wasn’t effective at all. My frustration grew, causing a wider gap between us. I needed to become more attuned to what was happening instead of reflexively confiscating their phones.
It’s much more effective when the consequences relate to the behavior.
Make no mistake, I still believe there are times when taking away their phones is justified. Early this school year, one of my kids recorded a fight at school and shared it on Snapchat. The school intervened and requested that he not bring his phone for a week. I felt he needed a stronger lesson, so we took the phone for two weeks and had several discussions about why his actions were unacceptable and how it impacted others. This approach helped change his perspective on how he uses his phone.
However, if I take their phones due to poor school performance, incomplete chores, or disrespectful behavior, it doesn’t really inspire them to improve. Instead, I’ve found success by having them do their homework in the living room where I can supervise (which they dislike) and ensuring their phones stay in their backpacks. If it’s related to chores, I simply assign them additional tasks.
These small adjustments have made a significant difference, and it’s a relief that the phone is no longer a source of conflict between us.
For more insights on parenting and effective strategies, check out this other blog post on home insemination.
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