A few years ago, during a chaotic move, I sought guidance from my counselor on how to set up our new home. She offered two insightful tips: distribute my children’s belongings throughout the house to help them feel a sense of belonging, and create private areas to promote healthy solitude.
Shortly after settling in, one of my children began experiencing severe mood swings. At just seven or eight years old, he would sometimes become so distraught that he would either withdraw or lash out. As a social worker, I understood that the research around timeouts can be inconsistent, yet as a parent, I felt that they could be beneficial for him.
Timeouts can be detrimental when used as a form of punishment. Children require assistance in navigating intense emotions, and this cannot occur if they’re isolated. When timeouts are seen as a punishment for misbehavior, kids may develop fears of rejection or abandonment. Additionally, these timeouts often last too long; experts recommend limiting them to a maximum of 3-5 minutes.
However, my son needed a different kind of timeout—one that served as a momentary pause or break rather than a punishment. It became clear that he required an opportunity to calm down before reconnecting with me, while still knowing I was nearby for support. Like me, he isn’t fond of physical touch or conversation when he’s upset, so pushing him to embrace these things right away was counterproductive.
Together, we redefined what a timeout could look like, collaborating to create the right environment for him to unwind and collect himself during difficult moments. We established a special spot on the coziest couch in the living room, where he tucked away a box of books and art supplies. He was empowered to choose to take a timeout when he needed it—something I could suggest but never enforce. This was a practice for relaxation and rejuvenation, not a punishment, and we agreed that no timeout should exceed half an hour.
Now that he’s a tween, he still draws on this practice. He communicates when he needs space, and I trust his instincts. His timeout areas have expanded beyond the couch; sometimes he shoots hoops outside or retreats upstairs with a book. Occasionally, I’ll find him sketching at his desk or curled up on a couch gazing out the window. In our home, timeouts are not associated with screen time, as we haven’t found that to be a useful calming method.
When my son calls for a “timeout,” honoring that request strengthens our bond. We’ve learned that opting for solitude is different from being compelled to be alone. Over time, we’ve understood how long these breaks should last and when he feels ready to resume. He also recognizes my disciplinary methods, which are distinctly different from his timeouts.
Tweens and teens face an array of anxieties, stressors, and sadness. Many navigate through exhaustion and overstimulation, needing permission to relax and recharge. Timeouts can provide that relief. As parents, we can communicate to our tweens and teens that they can request a timeout from their busy schedules, intense arguments, or overwhelming emotions. By allowing them to call for a timeout, we affirm their needs and equip them with a valuable coping skill that can last a lifetime.
If you’re interested in exploring more about parenting strategies, check out this related blog post here. For authoritative information on home insemination, visit Make a Mom and UCSF’s Center, which offers excellent resources.
Summary:
Timeouts can be a beneficial tool for helping children manage their emotions, provided they are not used as a form of punishment. By redefining timeouts as opportunities for relaxation and self-regulation, parents can help their kids learn to express their needs and navigate their feelings more effectively.
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