Understanding Puberty
The fluctuating levels of testosterone can manifest as physical aggression, irritability, or even complete withdrawal.
by Jamie Lee and Alex Carter, MD
Updated: Feb. 20, 2024
Originally Published: April 21, 2022
Let’s see if this sounds familiar: your usually affectionate 10-year-old son suddenly announces during school drop-off, “no more hugs in the morning!” and walks off to join his friends. Or perhaps you’ve experienced this: you pick up your 14-year-old son from school, he gets in the car, slumps down in his seat with his hood covering his face, and when you ask about his day, he mutters “fine” while staring at his phone. When you inquire about his homework, he erupts, “Ugh, I don’t know! Can you just leave me alone?!!!”
Moodiness in boys during their tween and teen years often flies under the radar—while adolescent girls tend to get more attention for it. However, boys undergoing puberty encounter similar mood swings due to hormonal shifts. The varying testosterone levels can lead to unexpected anger, physical confrontations, or simply silence.
Parents often find it perplexing when their once-chatty nine or ten-year-old suddenly becomes withdrawn or irritable, behaviors they typically associate with older teenagers. This is a normal response to the surge of testosterone, which circulates in boys’ bodies for a year or two before any noticeable signs of growth appear. Although they may still resemble young boys, their hormone-driven actions can feel alien. Alongside the emotional upheaval, they grapple with confusion about their feelings.
It’s common for parents to feel helpless when their sons seem distant and unapproachable, often barricading themselves in their rooms. Yet, as Alex emphasizes in her book Decoding Boys, it’s crucial not to let your sons isolate themselves. Maintaining a connection with your sometimes moody or silent boy is essential for both of you. He needs your support, even if he insists he wants space.
Since effectively reaching pubescent kids relies on subtle approaches—think of them like skittish horses—here are three strategies to foster connections with tween and teen boys. While these methods may not always succeed, they can help open a closed bedroom door and ease the challenges of their fluctuating moods.
Engage with Their Interests
While gaming, rap music, and fantasy sports might not be your cup of tea, they could be significant to your son. As Dr. Lisa Green said on our podcast, “Be captivated by what captivates them.” Even if their interests differ from yours, showing genuine curiosity about what excites your son can create opportunities for bonding. You might ask questions like: How did your fantasy team perform this week? Have you unlocked any new content in Fortnite? Any upcoming releases from your favorite artists?
Be Present
Emily Johnson, author of Parenting Beyond Boundaries, suggests simply being physically close to your kids without having an agenda. It may seem counterintuitive, but sometimes the best way to connect with moody boys is just to be there. This could mean sitting on the couch watching a show together or lying next to him while he does homework. Even if it feels tedious, being nearby while he engages with his interests can be a low-pressure way to connect.
Find Small Moments to Connect
While deep conversations may feel necessary, they can often lead to resistance. Instead, look for brief moments of connection that don’t demand much from either of you. Sending quick texts during the day to let him know you’re thinking of him, sharing funny TikToks, or inviting him to choose songs for the car ride can create a relaxed atmosphere for communication. Using humor and casual interactions can reduce the pressure and help maintain a connection.
Navigating this confusing and often silent phase of development can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that their mood swings—whether anger or withdrawal—aren’t entirely within their control. Puberty is a tumultuous time for kids, and your role is to show them love, stay connected, and reassure them of your support. It’s not always straightforward; it’s often messy, but remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. You have time to keep trying.
Jamie Lee and Alex Carter, MD, co-hosts of The Puberty Podcast, are dedicated to providing resources for parents navigating these changes. Alex is a pediatrician and author of several best-selling books on puberty. Jamie is the founder of a program focused on empowering kids through sports and education.
For more insights, check out this related post about home insemination or visit Make A Mom for expert guidance on fertility journeys. The CDC also offers valuable resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
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In summary, boys undergoing puberty experience significant emotional fluctuations due to hormonal changes. While their moodiness can be challenging, parents can foster connections through small gestures, shared interests, and simply being present without pressure. It’s essential to engage with empathy and understanding during this transitional phase, ensuring that boys feel supported and loved.
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