Don’t let your child become that person.
by Jamie Ellis
May 2, 2022
There are few things more frustrating than dealing with a mansplainer, whether it’s a well-meaning partner explaining something he believes he knows better, a coworker who continuously talks over women, or a stranger indulging in an ego boost. Although the term “mansplaining” is thought to have emerged around 2008, the behavior of inserting oneself into conversations where it’s unwarranted has likely existed forever. Recently, however, the effects of mansplaining on girls and women of all ages have gained broader cultural awareness. So what should you do as a parent if you notice your young son—who is sweet and caring—starting to exhibit signs of mansplaining?
Before you imagine your beloved son becoming that guy in a board meeting in two decades, take a deep breath. It’s quite normal for kids, regardless of gender, to go through a “know-it-all” phase, as two psychologists share with us. This means not only is it likely a temporary phase, but you also have many chances as a parent to guide your son to express himself assertively without falling into problematic behavior.
Understanding Overconfidence
“It’s typical for kids—particularly those aged 4 to 8—to show overconfidence in their knowledge and abilities,” explains Dr. Lisa Green, a child psychologist. “Since children’s brains are still developing, they may struggle to recall how they acquired their knowledge. Research has shown this ‘overconfidence’ in kids as young as preschool, but they usually outgrow it.”
“Interrupting and attempting to assert dominance in conversations is common for children of all genders, and usually, it’s just a phase,” Dr. Green adds. “While young kids might not be capable of true ‘mansplaining,’ boys certainly absorb communication patterns and gender norms from their surroundings early on.”
Distinguishing Between Excitement and Intrusion
How can you help your son express his curiosity without crossing the line into being intrusive? Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to both curb this behavior and encourage his expression, as Dr. Green explains. First, “it’s vital to identify the difference between your child’s genuine excitement about learning something new (a ‘Did you know?’ moment) and his desire for control in a conversation (a ‘Well, actually…’ moment).”
“It’s normal for kids to be enthusiastic about sharing what they have just discovered,” states Dr. Emily Carter, a psychologist based in Seattle. “Often, this eagerness can come off as pressured or impatient, which relates to their cognitive development stage and immature executive functions (like the ability to manage impulses and consider the impact of their actions on others). These moments provide great opportunities for parents to teach children how to express their excitement in more constructive ways.”
“Encouraging genuine excitement can be achieved by engaging with your son’s enthusiasm, adding your thoughts respectfully, and fostering his curiosity to learn more. For example, you might say, ‘Wow, that’s fascinating! I wonder if…’” Dr. Green suggests. “However, during those ‘well, actually’ moments, refrain from giving them attention or escalating it. Instead, frame it as a learning experience: ‘Hmm, I’m not certain about that, but it seems to matter to you. Would you like to explore it together?’”
Positive and Shame-Free Approach
Dr. Carter recommends parents acknowledge their child’s excitement about sharing knowledge and emphasize that this is a positive trait. “Let your child know that the person they’re talking to might also have insights to share and that listening could teach them even more,” she advises.
In practice, Dr. Carter suggests reinforcing turn-taking habits during conversations and activities, whether waiting in line or at the dinner table. “This can even be turned into a game, where waiting to listen earns them a small reward. At home, help your child visualize the experiences of others during different conversational styles in a fun way,” she adds.
Maintaining a positive atmosphere is essential so your son doesn’t develop negative feelings about his speaking style. Dr. Carter advises against using the term mansplaining, as it carries negative gender stereotypes. “Opt for non-gendered and age-appropriate language when discussing behaviors, like excited explaining or difficulty taking turns. Using a term like mansplaining may foster shame or a negative self-image, which is the opposite of what parents typically want. The aim is to reinforce positive behavior while teaching adaptive strategies.”
Dr. Green adds, “Boys often receive messages telling them they shouldn’t show vulnerability. Not knowing the answer, feeling uncertain, or seeking further information are all vulnerable behaviors we need to embrace for growth. Let your son know that it’s perfectly fine not to have all the answers and that curiosity and learning from others are valuable, regardless of gender.”
Recognizing When It Becomes Mansplaining
“If speaking over others and insisting on being right continues into adolescence or seems to target specific genders, it’s important to have an age-appropriate discussion about sexism and its impact,” says Dr. Green.
As a parent, you must model the communication style you want to see in your son. Children are incredibly observant and will replicate behaviors. Establish guidelines about interrupting, practice listening skills, and encourage everyone to have their say in conversations.
If you notice a gender-specific pattern in your son’s behavior, such as talking over girls, it’s crucial to address this and highlight the knowledge and experiences of women in his life, including those in books and media. You might also want to provide him with role models of respectful men and strong, knowledgeable women. “Encourage the art of questioning,” Dr. Green adds. “Learning to ask questions, show curiosity, and genuinely listen to others is invaluable for boys to become confident in what they know while respecting others.”
For more insights on parenting, check out our blog on how to raise respectful children and explore the options for home insemination. For a deeper understanding of pregnancy and related topics, this resource on in vitro fertilization is highly recommended.
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