Dear Beloved Offspring,
It has become apparent that your mother is not particularly fond of early mornings. For your own well-being, I have compiled a list of actions you must avoid until I have consumed my coffee—oh, that divine elixir that awakens my senses in this often chaotic existence! Should you choose to ignore these guidelines, I cannot be held accountable for the consequences. Consider yourselves warned.
1. Avoid Stomping Around
Please refrain from charging up and down the stairs like a herd of rampaging elephants. The noise you generate in the mornings is staggering and could rival that of a pack of woolly mammoths.
2. Do Not Inquire About Breakfast
You are no longer the small, helpless toddlers I once cared for. I relinquish any responsibility for your morning meals. I provided dinner last night, which is still fresh in my memory. If options are limited, get creative—cold pizza or mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable.
3. Refrain from Asking Questions
This includes requests about sleepovers, early allowances, or any sort of snack-related queries. Trust me when I say that the answer will likely be “NO!” For the sake of harmony, it is best to postpone all inquiries until I have regained my mental capacity.
4. No Television
I have zero tolerance for shows like Sponge Bob or Disney Channel before I am adequately caffeinated. Even afterward, my enthusiasm for them is limited, but coffee does help me remember that I love you.
5. Minimize Annoying Sounds
Whistling, humming, giggling, or any other disruptive noises are strictly prohibited. No beatboxing or excessive mouth sounds, and please, do not chew loudly on your breakfast. Additionally, refrain from singing those catchy Disney tunes that will inevitably linger in my mind all day.
6. Skip the Complaints
Avoid bringing up any grievances, whether real or imagined. This includes any squabbles with your siblings about snacks or perceived injustices. In fact, let’s just keep your sibling away from me until I’ve had my coffee.
7. Limit Guests
While I understand your friends may want to visit, I cannot allow non-family members to witness my pre-caffeinated state. Besides, their presence may encourage more noise, which could lead to unforeseen consequences.
8. Do Not Hover
Please resist the urge to sneak up behind me to inspect my coffee levels. This only serves to irritate me and may result in the need for additional caffeine, prolonging your wait.
Fear not, my dear children; after one cup of coffee (or two, if the night was particularly taxing), I will generally revert to my more patient, cheerful self. Just allow me a few moments of calm to regain my composure. Thank you for your understanding.
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In summary, navigating mornings with an uncaffeinated mother can be challenging. By adhering to these guidelines, you can help ensure a smoother start to the day for everyone involved.
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