30 Simple Steps for Taking Your Children to a Public Restroom

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Navigating a public restroom with kids can feel like an overwhelming challenge, especially when you’re accompanied by multiple little ones. Whether you’re at a restaurant, store, or an amusement park, the inevitable cry for a bathroom break seems to arrive just moments after you’ve settled in. Here’s a guide to managing this common parenting predicament with as little stress as possible.

1. Instruct your children to walk calmly to the restroom. “This isn’t a race; please walk!”
2. Arrive only to discover all the stalls are occupied.
3. Wait anxiously for the ‘accessible’ stall, often occupied by someone seemingly oblivious to the passage of time.
4. Calm your children when they start to squirm, assuring them, “Just a few more moments; I’m sure they’re hurrying!”
5. Once inside, mediate the dispute over who goes first.
6. Begin placing a seat cover, while urgently reminding, “Keep your hands to yourselves!”
7. Lift your child onto the toilet as the seat cover slips into the bowl.
8. Switch to using toilet paper instead and finally get the first child settled.
9. Yell at the other child, “Get your hands away from there!” What’s with the fascination with the sanitary disposal bin?
10. Assist the first child with wiping or fetch toilet paper.
11. Stop the second child from unraveling the toilet paper roll.
12. Dress the first child and restart the process.
13. Lift the second child onto the toilet.
14. Restrain your frustration when she announces, “I’m not going to try right now.”
15. Through clenched teeth, remind the first child to lock the door and not open it again.
16. Encourage the second child to give it another shot.
17. Observe her genuine effort, complete with grunts but no success.
18. Get the second child dressed.
19. Take a moment to use the restroom yourself since you’re already there.
20. Yell at the first child for opening the door while you’re trying to pee.
21. Get yourself dressed and usher the kids to wash their hands—unless there’s a sink in this stall, of course.
22. Assist the kids in reaching the soap as they still can’t reach it.
23. Wash their hands thoroughly, directing them towards the paper towels or hand dryer afterward.
24. Clean up the soap puddles that have dripped onto the floor.
25. Pick up the surplus paper towels littering the ground.
26. Watch them delight in the hand dryer, creating their “crazy hair.”
27. Tidy up any unraveled toilet paper that serves no purpose.
28. Use a paper towel to open the door with your freshly cleaned hands.
29. Start heading back to your previous location only to hear the second child say, “I really have to go pee this time…please!”
30. Turn around and prepare to repeat the entire adventure.

These experiences are rarely mentioned in parenting books, yet they are a rite of passage for many mothers. While I adore the early stages of motherhood, there are days I eagerly await the time when my children can navigate this process independently.

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In summary, while taking children to public restrooms can be a chaotic experience fraught with challenges, being prepared and maintaining a sense of humor can help navigate these moments with grace.