Parenting | Adopting an Older Child
by Lisa Taylor
Updated: August 13, 2015
Originally Published: May 3, 2011
Nearly a year ago, we welcomed our daughter into our family through direct adoption from the foster care system when she was nine years old. Our first encounter took place at the administrative office of the group home where she had resided for the preceding six months. Even before meeting her, I felt an overwhelming love; the journey to bring her home had spanned six months filled with extensive paperwork, home study updates, background checks, and navigating the complexities of multiple agencies across two states. Although we were selected to be her parents in November, we didn’t meet her until May. The anticipation was so intense that I found myself grinding my teeth in my sleep out of anxiety. In my heart, she was already my daughter long before she knew we existed.
Her early years were marked by abuse, neglect, and instability, leading to five years of moving through various foster homes. At the time we were chosen as her parents, she was in a psychiatric facility, having spent both her ninth birthday and Thanksgiving there. She arrived with diagnoses of ADHD, ODD (oppositional defiant disorder), anxiety, and depression. We understood that parenting her would present challenges, but we believed in her potential for healing.
From the outset, our daughter struggled with even the simplest decisions, like choosing between a turkey or ham sandwich. This was indicative of her difficulty in connecting with her own emotions, which she often suppressed. Initially, she resisted discussing her past and limited her emotional expression to happiness and anger. When she was angry, she expressed it intensely, sometimes retreating to her closet for hours, screaming as if in a horror film. After attempting therapy with two different mental health providers, we found that they lacked an understanding of trauma and attachment issues. One therapist exacerbated her struggles, and the other suggested discontinuing sessions after five months of silence from her.
Determined to support her, I immersed myself in research on therapeutic parenting and attachment disorders. I connected with a community of mothers facing similar challenges through online blogs, specifically a group known as “Trauma Mommas.” I worked to provide her with the vocabulary to articulate her feelings and shared stories of other children with “hurt parts.” I frequently encouraged her with phrases like, “Stop, take a deep breath, and relax,” and “You’re safe, you’re loved, you can handle this.” My husband and I made it clear that we were available to listen whenever she chose to talk, but we respected her right to keep her memories private. Gradually, she began to share snippets of her thoughts. One day, while we were driving, she asked, “How long do you think my kids will get to live with me?” This question revealed a deep-seated fear of becoming a bad mother and losing her children, a cycle she believed was inescapable.
As she began processing her traumatic past, we noticed an increase in her behavioral challenges. She confronted the pain she had long buried, leading to intense meltdowns characterized by screaming and physical outbursts. However, the key difference was that she started to articulate the underlying causes of her behavior, moving beyond simple expressions of anger.
This past Easter marked a significant milestone in our journey together, as it was the last major holiday before we reached our one-year anniversary as a family. Over the three-day weekend, we experienced a series of severe meltdowns and displays of defiance. Notably, she engaged in self-harm with a pencil, kicked me, and even walked barefoot around the neighborhood after being told to stay within the yard. She expressed her belief that we would abandon her just like others had in her past, particularly around holidays. This belief led her to act out, as if trying to preemptively reject us before we could do so.
Yet, on Easter morning, she woke up to find herself still at home with us. It was a revelation for her; she recognized that our love was unconditional, that we forgave her, and that we were committed to caring for her. The day unfolded with hugs, love notes, and a noticeable absence of tantrums.
Reflecting on the past year, I have witnessed remarkable growth and change. I am deeply grateful to be her mother and honored that she has begun to trust and love us. My husband and I are dedicated to providing her with the safety and stability necessary to process her past traumas and the complex feelings that accompany them. The journey of healing can be challenging, exhausting, and overwhelming, yet it is incredibly rewarding. I firmly believe that my daughter will emerge from this experience healthy, happy, and strong—as will I.
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Summary:
Adopting an older child can present unique challenges, particularly for those who have experienced trauma. This journey requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to providing a nurturing environment. By fostering open communication and offering unconditional support, adoptive parents can help their children heal and thrive.
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