Updated: May 8, 2016
Originally Published: May 28, 2011
Today was particularly poignant as I reflected on my father’s absence. I had a doctor’s appointment discussing some minor health concerns and exciting aspirations for the future, and I longed to share this news with him. In the past, we would have engaged in daily conversations—often filled with playful arguments—but he was always in tune with my life. He was the first person I called after every prenatal check-up, eagerly awaiting updates. He affectionately nicknamed my son Alex “Octo,” inspired by an early ultrasound where Alex resembled the number eight. It’s astonishing to realize that the baby I once shared updates about has now celebrated his third birthday, a milestone my dad didn’t witness.
I belong to the many individuals parenting without the guidance of their own parents. My mother passed away on December 13, 2008, just a few months after I graduated from college and married. She was only 50, succumbing to liver failure after a prolonged struggle with alcoholism. Although I maintained some distance during her final years, we reconciled before her death. I was present for her last moments, when she expressed regret about not being more involved in my life and her desire for a different future. As I assured her that I turned out alright, I asked whether she thought I would be a good mother—she believed I would be, even if I had my doubts.
Almost two years later, my father passed away on December 15, 2010, at the age of 70. He faced numerous health challenges, including kidney and heart issues. My parents divorced when I was very young, resulting in a unique upbringing split between Arizona and Colorado, with my father often lost in his own world. While his past struggles with addiction were behind him by the time I was born, he had a complicated personality—simultaneously loving and harsh. Regardless, we maintained a daily dialogue, which often included spirited debates. He managed to attend my college graduation and, although he missed my wedding, he did meet Alex shortly before he passed. Reflecting on that time, I am grateful that my father had the chance to meet my son, who mirrors me in so many ways.
Having navigated significant life events—graduating college, getting married, and buying our first home—while also experiencing loss has shaped my journey as a parent. Parenting without parental support can feel isolating. I can no longer send photos of Alex to my mom or call my dad to share his latest achievements. As Alex continues to grow, his grandparents will be my husband’s parents, while mine will be remembered as those who passed before he was born. The complexity of this situation is heightened by my mother’s struggles with addiction, which leaves me pondering how involved she would have been. My father had a distinct parenting style that may not have aligned with my approach. However, with both parents gone, I focus on preserving their memories through photographs and stories—like sharing how my dad called him “Octo” and how my mom believed in my parenting abilities.
On the upside, parenting without my own parents offers me a unique opportunity to embrace love and support from my extended family. My in-laws are exceptional grandparents and live nearby. His grandmother, my mother-in-law, cares for him several times a week, while his grandfather enjoys adventurous outings with Alex. My aunt, my mother’s sister, affectionately invited him to call her “grandma,” ensuring he has a loving figure in his life. Additionally, his aunt (my husband’s sister) is eager to take him on exciting trips, including his first Disneyland adventure. Although I can’t share updates with my parents, my family members are eager to receive daily snapshots of Alex’s milestones. For parenting advice, I turn to my supportive mother-in-law.
It’s not uncommon for children to grow up without one or both grandparents. For Alex, this will be his normal. His grandparents will be my husband’s parents, while his other grandmother lives in Mesa with his cousins. The challenge lies in my acceptance of this reality. Like many parenting experiences, it involves embracing the difficult aspects while cherishing the unexpected blessings that come with them.
Will my father ever take him fishing? Unfortunately, that’s not possible. However, he left behind a blue child’s fishing pole that I plan to bring out when the time feels right. There’s also a pink one, just in case his interests evolve.
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Summary
Parenting without the support of one’s own parents can be challenging, but it also opens doors to new relationships and support systems. Cherishing the memories of lost loved ones while embracing the present is crucial in navigating this unique parenting journey.
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