Parenting Insights on Beauty and Self-Worth
My intelligent, compassionate, and resilient daughter was wrapped in her beloved fleece blanket, a cozy cocoon of warmth. Observing her, I felt overwhelmed with love. Our bedtime routine was a cherished ritual, a peaceful escape from the chaos of siblings, school, and daily schedules. She would often inquire, “Mom, can I share something with you at bedtime?” After reading her favorite story, we would sometimes engage in a playful round of “Would you rather?” or flip through a magazine to highlight our favorites. There was a unique comfort in being together in her bed, reminiscent of young friends sharing secrets during sleepovers—revealing dreams and fears, sharing laughs until we snorted.
One evening, as she fell asleep, she innocently remarked, “Mommy, sometimes I ask if I’m fat just to hear you say that I’m so skinny.” Taken aback, I asked, “Why would you want to hear that?” Her response was simple, “Oh, it just feels so good.” I winced at how readily those words came to her lips. A wave of frustration surged through me, akin to a fierce storm.
Inside, I was screaming, “You are only seven!” “I’ve worked diligently to avoid using terms like fat or skinny regarding your appearance or anyone else’s.” “I have emphasized your creativity, kindness, and all the remarkable things your strong body can achieve.” “You are just seven!” “I shook my head and avoided the question, and you interpreted that as ‘so skinny’?” “I resent society for infiltrating your early notions of beauty with superficial ideals.” “I regret ever showing you my own discontent with my appearance.” “You are SEVEN! Life should revolve around popsicles, playgrounds, art projects, and adventures!”
That night, as I tucked her in, I realized I felt robbed of her innocence. Out loud, I continued to emphasize the importance of her adventurous spirit, inner beauty, and empathy. I adhered to my principles: avoid labels, steer discussions toward positive traits, and eliminate any perceived benefits tied to looks. While my intentions were noble and my compliments genuine, I sensed a shift. Despite my best efforts to promote alternative values and resist societal pressures, my vibrant first grader still craved validation regarding her appearance, especially a thin one.
I began to reflect on this troubling revelation. As a mother, I was responsible for shaping her perceptions. It dawned on me: she was testing my authenticity.
Accepting compliments about my appearance has always been a challenge for me. Since having my daughters (my younger one is four), I’ve recognized the importance of modeling graceful acceptance of praise for clothing choices or hairstyles. However, my instinct to downplay such admiration runs deep. My daughter has likely picked up on my hesitance and insecurities.
Moreover, when someone praises her looks, I instinctively highlight her character and intellect, often before she can appreciate the compliment. It’s as if I’m smudging the ink of their kind words, rendering their meaning less impactful. Sometimes, I resort to my “famous line” (as she playfully labels it), saying, “Well, I think they’re adorable, but I’m required to,” followed by a self-effacing chuckle.
My well-intentioned efforts to cultivate a humble, socially secure, and confident daughter have inadvertently led her to question whether someone who admires her beauty truly recognizes it. Perhaps that’s why she seeks my validation. And who can truly blame her? Every girl longs to feel beautiful and to know that those who matter appreciate both her inner and outer beauty.
It may be time for me to embrace the idea that “beauty” is not a negative word. My daughter and I often admire beauty in nature, art, and people, readily applauding friends, family, and even strangers. Perhaps discussing beauty can enhance our understanding of its multifaceted nature and its role in our lives.
A dear friend of mine, an artist and mother whose talents are immeasurable, suggested practical approaches to normalize conversations around beauty. One of her artistic principles—acknowledging diverse views and interpretations of beauty—can open a dialogue for children.
We might explore questions like, “Can things that are unconventional, contrasting, or unique be more beautiful than the ordinary?” or “Does familiarity deepen our appreciation for beauty?” Additionally, connecting beauty to function or wisdom—like appreciating a turtle’s shell for its purpose or valuing the patina of an aged building—could enrich our discussions.
These strategies can be seamlessly woven into playdates, museum visits, or casual conversations with friends. They remind me of my grandmother’s striking cheekbones; I noticed those before her wrinkles, and I should share that with my daughter.
Moving forward, I will make a conscious effort to compliment her physical appearance as much as I do her other strengths, ensuring she feels valued before societal pressures lead her to seek shallow forms of validation. I will focus on her unique beauty, such as the way her toothless smile highlights the freckles on her nose.
While my opinion matters to her now, I hope she will always value it, but it should not be the most critical one. I don’t want her to seek approval from others, including myself. Instead, I promise to nurture her sense of faith, ensuring she knows she is loved unconditionally and to help her develop friendships with genuine girls who uplift and celebrate her beauty in all circumstances.
Ultimately, perhaps we both need to become better at receiving praise. As a mother, I aim to navigate through the overwhelming noise and be the one who helps my daughter rise above the clutter surrounding her.
In summary, embracing discussions about beauty can help cultivate a positive self-image in children. By modeling acceptance of compliments and broadening the definition of beauty, parents can empower their children to appreciate themselves and others in a deeper, more meaningful way.
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