As I venture back into academia, I’m reminded of a thought-provoking quote from my five-year-old son: “So, let me get this straight, Mom. You went to mommy school to learn how to be a mommy, right? Now that you’re a mommy, you want to go back to school to learn how to be a teacher? Ah, I get it now. Cool.”
Welcome to Real Mom Academy—a figurative institution designed to equip mothers with the essential skills needed for the exhilarating journey of motherhood. Inspired by my son’s brilliant observation, I started to imagine a curriculum filled with courses that would help moms prepare for the multifaceted experiences of parenting. To enroll in this fictional academy, one must first complete a prerequisite course. Below, you’ll find the syllabus outlining what to expect from this rollercoaster ride called motherhood. If at any point you feel dizzy, faint, or break into a cold sweat while reading, it’s a sign you may not be ready for this role just yet. Consider reapplying later.
Essential Lessons for Surviving Motherhood:
- Be prepared to conduct all personal tasks with an audience, complete with unsolicited feedback and ratings (this includes everything from using the restroom to simple grooming tasks).
- You will constantly second-guess every decision you make—what to wear, what to eat, and even how to parent—because your mind will be consumed with thoughts on how each choice impacts your children.
- You will grasp the true essence of unconditional love. Your child will shower you with compliments about your appearance, even when you’re clad in the most unflattering pajamas, sporting sleep in your eyes, and your breath is far from fresh.
- You will come to terms with the fact that you must smile and nod in agreement when your child requests your last delicious french fry as it heads toward your mouth.
- The phrase “a good night’s sleep” will vanish from your vocabulary; every little sound will prompt you to check on your children—even a raccoon rummaging through a trash can miles away.
- You will meticulously plan a night out with fellow moms, eager for a brief escape from your responsibilities. Yet, you will find that nearly all of your conversations revolve around your kids, even while you’re out.
- You will master the skill of showering in under three minutes, mastering the art of prioritizing between mascara and deodorant when you realize you have mere minutes before the school bell rings.
- Forgetting to wear a bra will become commonplace, but you will never forget your child’s first word, their crawling debut in that adorable pink outfit, or the white sweater you wore during the first projectile vomit incident.
- You will feel an immense sense of relief when you hear another mother exclaim, “Are you serious?! You really pooped in your pants AGAIN?!” knowing you are not the one dealing with that mess.
- After a long, exhausting day, you will feel a wave of joy as your children finally drift off to sleep. Yet, you’ll find yourself tiptoeing into their rooms to watch them for a little while longer, often moved to tears by their innocence.
Completing this course may not guarantee mastery of motherhood, but it will equip you with a newfound understanding of the challenges ahead. Remember to remain calm, carry on, and pretend you have it all figured out. This journey is unique and once in a lifetime, so buckle up, hold on, and enjoy every moment.
For more insights into family planning and parenting, consider visiting Make a Mom’s home insemination kit or their authoritative resources on pregnancy.
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