Sleep has always posed a challenge for my eldest child, Mia. In the early years, I found some solace in the struggle for sleep; her dependence on me eased my guilt over spending long hours at a job I disliked. Those tender moments of kissing her forehead and intertwining our fingers helped stitch up my guilt-ridden heart. Now at nine, sleep remains just as elusive.
“Mom, I’m not tired at all,” she pouts, her lips protruding. “Can I read for a bit?”
“Of course, but not for too long, okay?” I reply.
“Mom, will you cuddle me first?” Lily calls from the bathroom.
Before I can respond, Ella interjects, “It’s not fair, she always gets the first cuddle.” I feel a wave of irritation rise within me.
“It’s fine, Ella. I’ll cuddle Lily first, but I promise I’ll spend extra time with you,” I try to reassure her.
“Never mind! Ella can have the first cuddle,” Lily shouts as she hops off her stool.
“LILY, you can’t just do that,” Ella retorts.
“Alright, alright, let’s all cuddle together in the bottom bunk,” I suggest, hoping to quell the rising tension. Their response is a flurry of giggles and the sound of fleece pajamas diving under the covers.
As I clean the bathroom counter, filled with toothpaste remnants and puddles of water surrounding their superhero toothbrushes, I peek into Mia’s room. “How are you doing?” I ask. She doesn’t look up, her finger gliding down the page of her comic book. When she finally meets my gaze, a tuft of hair falls over her glasses, and a scab decorates her cheek from a recent playful scuffle.
“I’m fine,” she replies.
“Do you need anything?” I inquire, to which she shakes her head. “I’ll come and give you a kiss when I’m done with your sisters,” I promise, and she nods.
Taking a deep breath, I slip between Ella and Lily in the bottom bunk. They squirm awkwardly, their elbows nudging me.
“Sorry, Mom,” they whisper in unison.
“It’s alright.” I settle in, their small hands instinctively wrapping around me. As one of them tugs on my hair, I feel annoyance bubble up. “Girls, be careful,” I warn. The desire to escape, free from all responsibilities, clashes with my inherent love for them. My body tenses, but then Lily throws an arm around me, holding Ella’s hand.
“Stop it, that’s my spot!” Ella hisses.
“She’s not just yours, Ella,” Lily insists.
“Let me give you each a hug and a kiss, then it’s time for bed, okay?” I say, softening their mood. I embrace Ella tightly, whispering my love into her neck. She hugs me back, and I lift her up to her top bunk. We rub noses before I turn my attention to Lily, who beams at me.
“My mama, come here!” she exclaims, stretching her arms wide. We lean in nose-to-nose. “Let’s do cheek-to-cheek,” she suggests, and we oblige. A series of kisses follows—soft, medium, and finally a big one, which causes her teeth to collide with my lip. I stifle a wince and pull away.
“Goodnight, girls,” I call as I exit the room, their affectionate shouts trailing behind me. My shoulders relax. Finally done.
In Mia’s room, the lights are off, and her glasses rest lens-down on the nightstand. I tiptoe in, brushing her hair aside and kissing her forehead. Just as I turn to leave, her arms wrap around my neck.
“Mom, please don’t go,” she pleads.
A whimper threatens to escape me; I was so close to my quiet time. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” I ask.
“I just can’t sleep,” she admits, her eyes searching mine. My thoughts drift to the calm evening waiting for me downstairs—wine, perhaps tea, and the soothing crackle of the fire.
She’s watching me intently, and I feel a shift within myself. It’s not a sense of obligation but a deep instinct to connect. “Scoot over,” I whisper, crawling into bed beside her.
“Do you want me to rub your back?” she offers.
I chuckle softly. “No, honey. You know what I want?” She shakes her head. “I just want to fall asleep with you for a little while.”
The moonlight casts a gentle glow in the room. As her breathing steadies and she drifts off, a tear escapes. I cherish this moment, knowing it may not last until the next bedtime. Yet tonight, I have not lost my patience. I smile at my firstborn, allowing the tears to cleanse my heart, reminding me that I haven’t forgotten how to embrace bedtime.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the journey of parenting and the nightly ritual of putting children to bed can be challenging yet rewarding. Finding balance during these moments is essential, and resources for parenting, such as this helpful guide on treating infertility, can support families through various stages.
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