As I navigate the journey of single parenthood, which began on September 16, 2013, I find myself grappling with the challenges of answering my four-year-old daughter, Lily’s, endless questions. Luckily, my one-year-old son, Max, is still at an age where he doesn’t ask many questions; a few extra hugs and a consistent nap routine seem to suffice for him.
One particularly difficult night, Lily was crying for her father. As I held her close, I struggled to maintain my composure while quietly wiping away my own tears. I was trying to convey that despite his absence, he still loves her tremendously; he just made a poor decision to leave our family. Explaining these complex emotions to such a young child is a daunting task, especially when many adult issues are hard for me to grasp myself.
Even after four months since the end of my marriage, I find myself crying almost every night, replaying her questions in my mind and searching for the right answers. It feels overwhelming to support my children when I feel shattered myself. How do I balance family responsibilities, my job, schooling, friendships, and a social life, when I often lack even the energy to take a single step forward? It’s a daily struggle to maintain patience and calmness while fulfilling the demands of motherhood when my instinct is sometimes to scream or retreat from reality.
I remind myself to take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.
When I look at my children, especially Max, I see their father in them. The way their eyes shift from blue to a deep gray when they’re unwell, the resemblance of their ears to his, and Minka’s sweet tooth, a legacy of shared evenings filled with cartoons and candy. Their connection to him is undeniable, just as their connection to me is.
Someday, they will seek answers to the inevitable questions about their father, and I hope to provide those answers with love and honesty. This means showing them love in my actions and words, and speaking of their father in a respectful manner. It’s the hardest challenge I face: not allowing anger to seep into the cracks of my broken heart.
Choosing to love my children more than I cling to bitterness is a conscious decision I strive to make every single day, hour, and minute. There are countless moments when they’re sick, grumpy, or crying in the middle of the night. It would be so easy to express my frustration, especially knowing their father is absent during these demanding times. But then I see their confusion and sadness mirrored in my own heart, and I acknowledge the pain while embracing the grace that they are the brightest part of my life.
So, I hold them close. I offer comfort without words when they cry, even when the dishes pile up because I lack the motivation to clean. I embrace them when they’re upset, even if it’s past bedtime and all I want is to unwind in front of the TV. I hold them when I feel lost and allow the anger, bitterness, fear, and anxiety to drift away.
My prayer is to open my heart, let my hurt fall away, and wrap my arms around my children in a love so profound that it becomes an integral part of their essence. That’s all I can do.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, the author shares her experience as a single parent, dealing with the challenges of explaining her family dynamics to her young children. Through emotional struggles, she emphasizes the importance of love and patience, choosing to foster a nurturing environment despite personal hardships. The article also provides links to resources for home insemination, highlighting the interconnectedness of parenting and family planning.
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