Why We Allow Our Children to Set Boundaries with Affection

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As I embraced my toddler during a recent family visit, I noticed her burying her head deeper into my shoulder. She was meeting her grandparents after a lengthy six-month separation, and while they were excited to see her, she clearly wasn’t ready for the closeness they sought. They reached out for her, and I could feel her tiny hands gripping me tighter. My instinct was to hand her over, but I hesitated, sensing that forcing her into their arms would violate her comfort.

The resulting awkwardness of a “group hug” felt like a betrayal of her personal space. I worried about disappointing her grandparents, who had driven nearly 12 hours to see us, and I felt a responsibility to present a child who was eager to share affection. But what if she never wanted to hug them?

Despite the potential for disappointment, my partner and I have made a conscious decision not to compel our children to give hugs or kisses when they are unwilling, even to us. My daughter often freely expresses affection toward me but sometimes hesitates to reciprocate with her father when he returns home from work. While it’s challenging to witness, we refrain from insisting she show affection against her will.

Growing up in a culture that values politeness and caretaking, I was taught to prioritize others’ feelings above my own. Although I still believe in kindness and compassion, I recognize that teaching children to use their bodies to please others can lead to detrimental outcomes.

Empowering our children to choose with whom they share affection helps them assert control over their own bodies. This practice aligns with principles from the Parenting Safe Children workshop, emphasizing the importance of setting personal boundaries. Allowing kids to refuse unwanted physical contact can help safeguard them against potential abuse.

It may seem extreme to link this to preventing abuse, but the underlying messages we impart are significant. A child who feels obligated to accommodate a relative’s desire for physical affection may find it difficult to say no in uncomfortable situations later in life. We must teach children that while social niceties are important—like graciously accepting a gift they don’t want or refraining from criticizing Aunt Edna’s cooking—they should never sacrifice their own comfort for someone else’s pleasure.

Moreover, instilling the right to refuse affection may empower our daughters to stand firm in their choices regarding intimacy and relationships. By internalizing these values, they may be less likely to succumb to pressures that encourage them to please others at the expense of their own wishes.

This approach, though it may seem impolite to some, equips children to form healthier relationships throughout their lives. It also fosters an environment where they can teach their own children about setting appropriate boundaries. While Grandma and Grandpa might initially feel a pang of disappointment, they can certainly adapt to a high-five, a wave, or an air-kiss for the well-being of their grandchildren.

In conclusion, by allowing children to define their comfort levels with affection, we are fostering a healthier generation that understands the importance of personal boundaries. Perhaps next time, my little one will choose to run into her grandparents’ arms on her own terms.

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