As a first-time mother at 37, I was a bit late to the parenting party. During my initial ultrasound, my obstetrician casually referred to me as an “advanced maternal age primigravida.” My immediate reaction? “Did he just call me old?” I couldn’t help but wonder if my uterus was suddenly sporting gray hairs. It turns out, this term simply means a woman who is pregnant for the first time and over the age of 35. Fantastic. I guess my reproductive system is just a few bingo chips shy of winning.
Ever since that moment, I’ve developed a strong aversion to certain phrases in the realm of motherhood. Here’s a curated list of motherhood jargon that should be retired:
- Baby Bump: What happened to the simplicity of “belly” or “stomach”? Someone decided that pregnancy needed to sound more exotic. “Oh, check out your baby bump! Have you treated it for acne yet?” Seriously, can we just move past this word?
- Pump and Dump: I’ll admit, I’ve used this phrase—albeit under the influence of a not-so-small mojito. While the term is technically accurate, it conjures an image of a mother awkwardly pumping while perched on a toilet. How about we rephrase it to something less cringe-worthy? Maybe “protecting the baby’s liver” or “justifying my mojito indulgence”?
- Push Present: When did gifting a mother for giving birth become a norm? While labor is undoubtedly challenging, it’s not a favor to anyone. And can we talk about the term? The image it evokes is absurd: a woman in pain, and out pops a beautifully wrapped gift instead of a baby. Let’s just say, that’s not how it works.
- DD, DS, and DH: Really? Using abbreviations like Dear Daughter or Dear Husband? Let’s stick to “daughter” and “husband.” It sounds less bureaucratic and more genuine. I love my family, but sometimes they can be a handful. I prefer to call my husband by his name, or just refer to him as “the guy who sighs when I forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste.”
- Mucus Plug: While this is not slang, the term is far too graphic. I propose we find a gentler euphemism, like “baby barrier” or “stork stopper.” Any other suggestions?
- Effaced: This term refers to the thinning of the cervix before delivery. Until I attended a birthing class, I imagined it meant something entirely different. Why can’t we just say “thinning”? It would sound a lot more reassuring as we approach the finish line of pregnancy.
- Fur Baby: I get it, pets are family. However, calling my dog a “fur baby” feels misleading. Unlike my actual child, my dog does not create chaos in the middle of the night or require a feeding schedule. Let’s keep the terms separate unless you’re raising an Ewok.
In conclusion, these terms can be a source of annoyance for many new mothers. If you’ve used any of these phrases, know that I might have silently judged you (but hey, I just had a slice of cheese and some chips for breakfast).
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Summary
This article humorously critiques seven motherhood terms that are often overused or misused, including “baby bump” and “push present.” The writer expresses a desire for simpler language and offers alternatives to replace these phrases, all while sharing personal anecdotes from her own pregnancy experience.
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