8 Strategies for Supporting Children Through Grief

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The loss of a loved one can be a heartbreaking experience, regardless of age. Recently, a close friend of mine, Sarah, faced the death of her father, an event that, while anticipated, still left her devastated. Having lost my own father at 23, I understand that grief can manifest differently for everyone, regardless of the relationship. The journey through grief is often overwhelming, particularly for children who may find it challenging to comprehend the finality of death.

Children, especially those who are younger, often grapple with the concept of death and may become fixated on the idea of bargaining to bring their loved ones back. They might think that if they behave well or help around the house, they can reverse the situation. This egocentric mindset can lead to anxiety about their own safety or that of other family members.

While adults may experience grief in waves, children can shift between emotions rapidly, sometimes within moments. They may display a range of feelings including sadness, anger, frustration, and even moments of joy. It’s common for children to regress in behavior, display clinginess, or show excessive tears. If you notice any significant changes that disrupt your child’s daily functioning, it’s essential to consult a pediatrician. Play therapy can be beneficial in guiding young children through their grief journey.

Here are eight effective strategies for helping children cope with loss:

1. Provide Clear Explanations: Children may struggle with lengthy or complex explanations, but they require factual information. Honesty is crucial; avoid embellishments. A simple statement like, “Grandpa’s heart stopped working, which means he has passed away,” can help preschoolers understand without overwhelming them. Older children may need more details, like the specific illness involved. Always reassure them that you are safe.
2. Facilitate Goodbyes: Assess whether your child is ready to attend a funeral, as younger children might find it difficult to understand or behave appropriately in such settings. However, ensure they have an opportunity to say goodbye. If a loved one is nearing the end, allow your child a moment to express their farewells. Create a card or drawing they can share with the deceased. If the environment is distressing, consider forgoing a face-to-face goodbye and let them participate in a memorial service instead.
3. Normalize Emotions: Children often feel overwhelmed by their emotions and may not know how to express them appropriately. Encourage your child to label their feelings and share your own, setting an example. It’s important for them to understand that feeling sad, angry, or confused is completely normal. Creative outlets like drawing can be helpful for expression, as suggested in resources like “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegaard.
4. Create a Memory Book: The permanence of death can be challenging for young minds to grasp. To help with this, encourage your child to put together a memory book filled with photos and descriptions of their experiences with the loved one. This project allows them to revisit their cherished memories and provides a tangible way to remember.
5. Express Farewell Creatively: Involving children in memorial activities can be therapeutic. For instance, they might draw a picture to be placed in a casket or alongside an urn. Alternatively, making a keepsake card can help them articulate their feelings. Discuss this approach with family members beforehand for a supportive environment.
6. Offer Reassurance: Children are often self-focused and may worry that they’re next or that something will happen to others they love. Regularly reassure your child about the steps you are taking to ensure the family’s health, such as doctor visits and healthy eating. Frequent affirmations that both you and they are safe can alleviate fears.
7. Avoid Certain Phrases: When discussing death, stick to straightforward facts. Avoid vague phrases like, “It was his time to go to Heaven,” or “He was very sick.” These can confuse young children who may have difficulty understanding concepts of spirituality or the afterlife. Instead, focus on the reality of the situation while emphasizing the memories that will live on.
8. Prioritize Self-Care: Caring for yourself is essential during this challenging time. Grief can be all-consuming, making child care difficult. Seek support from friends or professionals, maintain healthy routines, and don’t hesitate to ask for help. Demonstrating healthy coping mechanisms will teach your children how to manage loss effectively.

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In summary, while grief is a complex process, providing children with clear explanations, opportunities to express their feelings, and reassurance can aid them in navigating this difficult journey. Always remember, your self-care is paramount in demonstrating healthy coping strategies for your children.