The Challenges of Back-to-School Shoe Shopping

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Updated: December 1, 2016

Originally Published: August 16, 2013

Embarking on back-to-school shoe shopping is akin to navigating a chaotic DMV queue—long lines, fashion disagreements with your kids, and the inevitable splurge on sneakers that will quickly succumb to wear and tear, resembling footwear that Bruce Banner might wear during his transformation into The Hulk. Yet, the allure of enticing back-to-school discounts and trendy brand-name shoes often lures many of us to the mall, even if summer is still in full swing.

Upon entering the Kids’ Shoe Department, an atmosphere of utter disorder permeates the air. Your children will suddenly exhibit wild behavior, resembling untamed animals as they engage in balloon battles. Amidst this pandemonium, a sales associate will approach you with a demeanor so serene that you might suspect he’s just ingested a calming pill or conducted a meditation session in the stockroom. It’s best not to judge him; he’s likely learned to cope with this environment through self-medication.

Here’s what you can typically expect during this ordeal:

1. The adventure kicks off with your child firmly believing he knows his shoe size, while you’re equally convinced he’s mistaken. The sales clerk will then attempt to placate both parties by wrestling your child’s foot into the measuring device as if it were a wild crocodile.
2. Next comes the challenge of persuading your child to wear borrowed socks—socks he hasn’t touched since the last day of school. He’ll react as if the mere thought of communal socks is the most repulsive thing imaginable, which, let’s be honest, it is.
3. Your child will then declare a strong preference for velcro shoes rather than laces because “laces are dumb and Tyler doesn’t wear them.” Unfortunately, none of the available shoes in his size feature velcro, as he’s no longer a toddler—a reality that’s hard for both of you to accept.
4. After trying on the first pair, he will loudly complain about discomfort, which is understandable given that he has half-heartedly pulled the communal socks down his feet in a rebellious act.
5. You’ll assist him in adjusting the socks properly, only to have him express annoyance about “something” poking his foot. The sales clerk will patiently explain that this is known as an arch.
6. In his quest for comfort, he will attempt to find shoes without a noticeable arch. Just as you think you’ve found a suitable option, he’ll contort his face in agony, exclaiming, “It’s too tight in the heel!”
7. The sales associate will present additional shoe options, five of which will elicit a gag reflex in your child. Two will provoke such extreme reactions that onlookers might assume he’s being mistreated, which is, of course, not the case.
8. When the clerk suggests some unconventional choices, including flashy high tops and vibrant purple sneakers, your child will scoff, claiming the high tops look like “someone vomited neon” and the purple shoes are “too shiny.”
9. After what feels like an eternity of torturous shoe fitting—where you’ve pressed on your child’s toes over three thousand times to assess growth—you’ll inform him that he has, in fact, exhausted the options in his size. Yet, he will refuse to wear his old shoes out of the store.
10. In a moment of desperation, you’ll suggest revisiting one of the earlier pairs. Miraculously, he’ll suddenly declare the very first pair “Totally perfect!”

With a bit of luck and the assistance of an incredibly patient sales clerk, you will finally be ready to move on to the next child. While shoe shopping for kids might seem like a harrowing ordeal, it’s still less traumatic than the experience of purchasing back-to-school supplies.

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Summary:

Back-to-school shoe shopping can be a chaotic and frustrating experience, characterized by long lines, child tantrums, and the struggle to find appropriate footwear. Parents often deal with children who have strong opinions about style and comfort, leading to a drawn-out process that tests patience. While this task may feel overwhelming, it pales in comparison to the challenges of purchasing school supplies.