Parenthood
The Unseen Mothers’ Collective by Emily Carter
Originally Published: September 24, 2013
In the realm of daily challenges, my children, Alex and Mia, are undoubtedly less demanding than those in most households. I can assure you of that.
They do not disrupt my sleep with constant requests for a bathroom break, a drink, a cuddle, or reassurance against imaginary threats. They do not clutter my space, break my belongings, squabble with each other, or continuously seek my attention. Their absence grants me ample time to engage in personal pursuits, enjoy a peaceful shower, and complete errands without interruption.
However, it’s essential to understand that neither of them reached full term; in fact, they didn’t come close. Yet, they remain my children. This paradox creates a complex emotional landscape.
Despite differing moral or religious viewpoints, scientific consensus indicates that a human being begins to form at conception. Thus, Alex and Mia, conceived by my husband and me, are indeed our children. Initially, I thought the situation was straightforward. But their absence has unveiled more challenges than I anticipated, grief notwithstanding.
When asked if I have children, my typical response is to say no, which abruptly ends the conversation. I often wonder if I’ve diminished the significance of those two tiny lives who resided within me for such a fleeting time. Conversely, when I affirm their existence and share our circumstances, discussions often come to an awkward halt, frequently accompanied by a look of pity. Both responses are difficult to navigate.
Invisible motherhood is more prevalent than one might think—until you find yourself in the position of being a mother to invisible children. There’s an unexplainable bond that emerges as tears threaten to fall while discussing your experiences. Suddenly, women with similar stories seem to appear from nowhere, sharing their heart-wrenching narratives and offering empathy. I often find myself wondering, “Where have you been until now?”
I had previously viewed the term ‘miscarriage’ as somewhat taboo—a topic best avoided, much like unpleasant dental procedures. My knowledge was limited; I knew of a few family members who had experienced it and of a family friend who faced stillbirth. Yet, no discussions ever addressed the emotional toll or the essence of motherhood associated with these losses. It felt as if those babies were rendered insignificant.
This lack of awareness contributed to my profound surprise when I faced my own loss. I had anticipated the possibility of miscarriage due to family history, yet nothing prepared me for the overwhelming emotional weight that enveloped me afterward. I found myself grappling with unexpected anger toward visibly pregnant women and feeling an intense rage when witnessing parents reprimanding their children. I was unprepared for the isolation from my husband, who initially struggled to comprehend my sorrow.
An accusatory voice in my mind questioned my worthiness to be a mother, suggesting I had failed in my pregnancy journey. I was ill-equipped to handle thoughtless comments from others, leaving me feeling emotionally assaulted.
To find solace, I reached out and began connecting with others. As I shared my story through blogging, I received positive feedback, which validated my feelings and encouraged conversations surrounding miscarriage and childlessness. This engagement fostered understanding and support among those in similar situations. I also contributed guest posts aimed at promoting awareness about miscarriage, working towards fostering empathy and compassion.
As I continue to navigate this journey, I strive to extend my online presence into real life, advocating for a world where miscarriage is openly discussed. I envision a space where mothers can grieve their losses without doubting the validity of their emotions. My goal is to be a reliable source of information and support for others, helping to dismantle the stigma surrounding these experiences.
I will endeavor to nurture a mindset that recognizes the value of every lost life, ensuring that grieving parents are enveloped in empathy and understanding from those around them.
My children matter. They have shaped who I am, and I carry their legacy with me.
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Summary
The author reflects on the profound emotional journey of invisible motherhood following the loss of her children, Alex and Mia. Through personal narrative and outreach, she aims to foster understanding and compassion for those who experience similar losses, advocating for open conversations about miscarriage and childlessness.
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