Updated: May 26, 2017
Originally Published: Oct. 21, 2013
As a parent, I have a daughter who is currently eight years old. It’s essential to emphasize her age—she is EIGHT. Recently, during a conversation with a beauty therapist while getting my eyebrows done, I was unexpectedly asked if I was concerned that she might be a lesbian. This question followed a discussion about my daughter, and I was taken aback. Initially, I chuckled, then felt awkward, ultimately mumbling that I didn’t mind before leaving.
However, once I was in my car, frustration set in. I was irritated with myself for not expressing my thoughts more clearly and annoyed that this lady’s reaction mirrored the judgment I had faced regarding my daughter’s gender expression over the years.
My daughter has always identified strongly with traditionally male interests and styles. From the moment she turned four, she adamantly refused to wear dresses and preferred joining Beavers instead of Rainbows. Her Christmas lists are filled with requests for skateboards, black skull duvet covers, and Spiderman hoodies. She opts for boys’ clothing and school uniforms, tucking her long hair into a baseball cap. At our wedding anniversary celebration, she confidently wore a suit. Often, she prefers names like Sam or Ben and is more familiar with Batman characters than Disney princesses.
Initially, I brushed it off as a phase, but as the years rolled on, it became evident that this was her identity. Unfortunately, I struggled to understand her. I found myself comparing her to other girls adorned with ribbons and playing with Barbies while she was busy in army camouflage and skull-patterned wellies, frequently mistaken for a boy.
Once, her teacher expressed concern about her self-esteem, and school events became stressful due to her disinterest in traditional feminine attire. Although she preferred playing with boys, she still faced hurdles, as her peers couldn’t easily categorize her.
A pivotal moment occurred during a conversation with a friend who candidly told me, “Emma, she’s eight and happy. If there are real issues as a teenager, we can discuss them then.” This advice hit home. I realized that my daughter was unique and comfortable in her own skin—far from the “self-esteem issues” I feared. It was time for me to focus on her happiness rather than worrying about societal perceptions.
Ultimately, whether she identifies as gay or pursues a gender transition in the future is irrelevant. What truly matters is that she feels free to be herself. Embracing her identity transformed our relationship; no longer were there battles over clothing or hairstyles. I ceased trying to impose my ideas of femininity upon her.
Interestingly, while many parents express concern about their daughters conforming to traditional gender roles, I find that my daughter does not conform and seems unconcerned about societal expectations. Yet, the reactions from others often range from confusion to outright surprise, as she is frequently mistaken for a boy. I occasionally correct this, but often don’t, as she remains indifferent.
This experience parallels that of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, who has faced similar scrutiny for her style choices. The media’s reaction to Shiloh’s short hair and preference for suits highlighted the ongoing societal struggle around gender expression. Like many parents, I now understand that fostering a sense of security and happiness in my child is paramount.
The other day, my daughter shared that her peers sometimes ask her if she is a boy or a girl. When I inquired how that made her feel, she nonchalantly replied, “I don’t mind. I’m not bothered. They’ll learn.” Indeed, they will, and as a nod to her interests, I recently purchased her a Batman bag.
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In summary, understanding and embracing your child’s unique identity can significantly strengthen your relationship. It is vital to prioritize their happiness and authenticity over societal expectations.
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