The New Mom’s Handbook for Understanding Your Pediatrician

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Your pediatrician is a vital ally in your parenting journey, offering guidance through sniffles, vaccinations, and those perplexing rashes your little one might develop. However, deciphering their true message can sometimes feel like cracking a secret code, especially amidst the background noise of crying infants and bustling waiting rooms. Here’s a helpful guide to interpreting the pediatrician’s language:

1. Pediatrician: “Most babies tolerate the flu shot without any issues.”
   Translation: “Your baby’s reaction may be similar to Bruce Banner’s when he’s stressed.”
2. Pediatrician: “Aim to breastfeed your baby as long as possible.”
   Translation: “At least a year, or your child might grow up with an aversion to math and less-than-stellar looks.”
3. Pediatrician: “Your baby is in the 95th percentile for height and weight.”
   Translation: “You might want to ease up on the feeding.”
4. Pediatrician: “The color and consistency of your baby’s stool are normal.”
   Translation: “Please don’t bring those soiled diapers to our appointments.”
5. Pediatrician: “Your child has a virus that will resolve on its own.”
   Translation: “I can’t prescribe codeine for toddlers; it’s against the law.”
6. Pediatrician: “It will take five business days to complete those school forms.”
   Translation: “I’ll be enjoying a vacation in St. Thomas for the next two weeks.”
7. Pediatrician: “If I sent home every child who isn’t completely healthy, schools would be empty.”
   Translation: “Return that sterile isolation bubble and let your child go to school.”
8. Pediatrician: “Don’t hesitate to reach out with concerns.”
   Translation: “If you call me at 3 am about a runny nose, you’ll be redirected to voicemail.”
9. Pediatrician: “Given your ongoing worries, I suggest a specialist.”
   Translation: “A psychologist who specializes in hypochondriac children.”
10. Pediatrician: “See you in two months.”
    Translation: “I’ll see you in two days when you think a mosquito bite is leprosy.”

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In summary, understanding what your pediatrician is really saying can empower you as a new mom. By interpreting their advice through the lens of humor and realism, you can navigate the complexities of parenthood with greater ease.