As a prospective parent, you receive an abundance of well-meaning advice. “Get your rest now, because it’s a game changer.” “Savor those date nights while you can.” “Enjoy long, uninterrupted showers.” But what no one prepares you for is the staggering reality of how central bodily functions—specifically, bowel movements—will become in your daily life.
Here are ten enlightening (and often humorous) revelations about parenthood, all centered around the subject of excrement.
- The Finger Swipe Faux Pas: New parents often succumb to the temptation of a quick check when they suspect a diaper might be full. The instinct to simply lift the diaper slightly can lead to a regrettable outcome. If you ever decide to “check,” be prepared: the majority of mess will likely be right where you decide to poke. This will result in a thorough hand-washing session.
- The Chocolate or Poop Conundrum: The intersection of innocence and horror manifests when your child approaches you with a suspicious brown smudge on their face. You might engage in a nerve-wracking scratch-and-sniff test. Remember: when in doubt, assume it’s poop. My friend Lisa’s wisdom rings true here: “Always err on the side of caution.”
- The Unidentifiable Odor: There are moments when you can sense something is amiss, yet you find yourself searching high and low for the source of an undetermined smell. Your child may be in a fresh diaper, but that odor is undeniably present. In such instances, two baths and a wardrobe change are often the only remedy.
- The Raisin Realization: You may have heard of this phenomenon, but witnessing it firsthand is shocking. The sight of shriveled remnants in a diaper can evoke a visceral reaction akin to discovering a post-apocalyptic landscape. It’s a reality check for any parent.
- The Humor in Poop: Humor becomes a key survival tool in parenting. Children find potty humor to be the pinnacle of comedy. Rather than hiring entertainment for a birthday party, just bring in a family member who can tell a good bathroom joke. The giggles will flow from the moment you mention the word “poop.”
- Privacy No More: The concept of solitude becomes a thing of the past. A spa day seems a distant dream when you can’t even manage five uninterrupted minutes in the bathroom. This is a new reality for parents, and it’s not without its challenges.
- The Public Blowout Surprise: It’s a universal truth: the day your child has a major diaper blowout is invariably the day you forget to pack a change of clothes. Murphy’s Law strikes again, and you are left scrambling to find a solution.
- The Pediatrician Inquiry: Eventually, you’ll find yourself at the pediatrician’s office, where you’ll be asked about any observations regarding your child’s health. With little hesitation, you’ll find yourself discussing the specifics of their bowel movements, perhaps even detailing the color and texture. It’s an experience that many parents share, so don’t feel embarrassed.
- Celebrating Digestive Success: You might not grasp the significance of a proper bowel movement until your child experiences a week of constipation. When relief finally arrives, you’ll likely find yourself throwing a small celebration, complete with cake and candles. It’s a rite of passage that brings joy after a challenging period.
- Conversations About Poop Are Inevitable: This topic might be discussed in private or even on various platforms, but the truth is, it’s a common theme in parenthood. Embrace it—you’re far from alone in this journey.
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In summary, parenthood is filled with unexpected lessons, many of which revolve around the theme of bodily functions. From humorous moments to the inevitable discussions about poop, these experiences shape the journey of raising children.
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