In a small private school setting, my daughter, Emily, currently in seventh grade, has been surrounded by familiar faces since kindergarten, with some friendships dating back to preschool. While overt bullying is minimal, the subtler forms of teasing are becoming increasingly evident.
At the start of the school year, Emily began to share instances of hurtful comments circulating among her classmates, particularly among the girls. These remarks often include jabs such as:
- “Why did you choose to wear those leggings?”
- “What’s up with your hair? Just, no.”
- “Is that a smell? Don’t you use deodorant? That’s gross.”
These criticisms are delivered in a mocking tone and are often made public – in classrooms before the bell rings, in hallways during transitions, or in small lunchtime groups. It pains me to know that Emily, who has been on the receiving end of such thoughtless commentary, still considers some of these commenters her friends. This raises the question: do our daughters truly understand what it means to be a friend?
Reflecting on Emily’s early childhood, I recall supervising her playdates, where I facilitated sharing and managed disputes over toys. When unkind words were spoken, we discussed feelings and practiced more compassionate communication. Two hours of play, devoid of screens, often ended with smiles and hugs.
Now, Emily and her friends interact in a different way. They often request rides to local cafés or retreat to her bedroom, sharing their lives via Snapchat, Instagram, and texts filled with emojis and abbreviations. As a parent, I find myself on the sidelines, with fewer opportunities to guide her through these complex social dynamics, which are now more crucial than ever.
Middle school is a period of significant transformation for our daughters, marked by physical changes, social pressures, and increased academic responsibilities. With challenges such as breakouts, crushes, and the fear of exclusion, it’s an overwhelming time. Although Emily receives ample love and structure at home, she increasingly leans on her peers for guidance as she explores her identity.
Given the lack of empathy I hear about among the girls in her class, I believe it’s time for us as parents to re-enter their social spheres, even if it feels uncomfortable. Teaching our daughters to avoid bullying and to intervene when they witness unkindness is essential, but it is equally important to foster a culture of support.
A true friend should uplift rather than undermine. She should celebrate your successes, provide constructive feedback privately, and listen with an open heart. While competition can be healthy, it should inspire rather than belittle. Encouraging our daughters to embrace each other’s individuality and creative expressions is vital. Authentic friendships prioritize compassion over judgment, and we should instill this belief in our girls.
While this behavior can be typical for this age group, it does not make it acceptable. I recognize that Emily is not immune to making thoughtless remarks herself. I don’t expect her to get along with everyone, but I emphasize that kindness is non-negotiable. If she cannot say anything positive, then silence is preferable. My goal is for her to learn what constitutes a healthy friendship, to identify genuine connections, and to distance herself from those who undermine her confidence.
There are many individuals in the world who will tear each other down; our daughters don’t need to be among them. Instead, I encourage Emily and her friends to become each other’s most ardent supporters, to recognize the beauty of friendship, and to lead with compassion in their interactions.
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Summary:
This article emphasizes the need for parents to guide their daughters in understanding genuine friendship during the challenging middle school years. It highlights the importance of kindness, support, and compassion in friendships, while also recognizing the pressures young girls face. Encouraging positive behavior and self-awareness is essential for building healthy relationships among peers.
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