As I reflect on the transformation I’ve undergone since welcoming my first child into the world, it has become evident that I’ve developed some rather unappealing habits. It wasn’t until a friend without children looked at me in shock that I realized just how much my standards have shifted. Here are ten of the most striking changes I’ve experienced:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown stain was always chocolate; I wouldn’t think twice about tasting it.
After kids: That same stain could very well be poop. My first instinct now is to sniff it for identification. Regardless, I’m not likely to interrupt my current activity to clean it up—there are more important things to focus on! -
Handling Boogers
Before kids: Boogers made me cringe. I would use multiple tissues for my own nose and couldn’t bear the thought of anyone picking theirs.
After kids: If there’s a tissue, great; if not, my hand will suffice. Extracting boogers from little noses is now second nature, and I’ve accepted that my dark clothing will inevitably bear the marks of those snotty encounters. -
The Vomit Catch
Before kids: If anyone showed signs of imminent vomiting, I would flee the scene.
After kids: When my child starts to vomit, my instinct is to catch it with my hands. It’s a bizarre choice, but I’d rather deal with warm, chunky vomit than scrub carpets later—nothing ever completely eliminates that smell! -
Using Saliva for Cleanliness
Before kids: I remember my sister torturing me with saliva warfare, leaving me feeling disgusting.
After kids: I now find myself using my own saliva to clean my children’s faces without a second thought. While it may not be the most hygienic method, it’s a necessary evil in the name of cleanliness. -
Nail Care Chaos
Before kids: Long nails meant a quick trimming session.
After kids: Children’s nails grow at an alarming rate, and keeping track of tiny nail clippers is nearly impossible. Eventually, I’ve resorted to nibbling away at my infant’s nails when the clippers go missing. -
Unexpected Urine Encounters
Before kids: The only time I might sleep in urine was by accident or during a drunken stupor.
After kids: One day, you’ll wake up to the warm sensation of unknown liquid spreading across your back. When the bedwetting culprit sheepishly says, “Sorry Mommy,” you may find yourself feeling guilty for reacting in horror! -
Bath Time Dilemmas
Before kids: If there was any sign of pee or poop in my bath, I would immediately drain and scrub the tub.
After kids: Now, I plop my child in the tub, and while I see the yellow halo forming, I look away. A little pee in the water seems harmless enough, especially with a line of others waiting for their turn! -
Ice Cream Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mother lick my ice cream cone was infuriating and gross.
After kids: I now lick the cone to shape it so that my child can eat it without making a mess. It’s a small sacrifice to prevent a chocolate catastrophe on their clothes. -
Leftovers from the High Chair
Before kids: I would never consider eating food that someone else had partially chewed.
After kids: If my child has abandoned their meal, I often find myself partaking in their leftovers, simply because cooking for myself feels like too much effort. -
Diaper Inspection
Before kids: I would never voluntarily inhale the aftermath of a bathroom visit.
After kids: Now, I have developed a compulsion to sniff my child’s diaper for confirmation of its contents, regardless of the obvious signs.
These experiences highlight the lengths we go to as parents, often at the expense of our own comfort. One can only hope that our children will someday find themselves navigating the same messy path of parenthood.
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Summary:
Parenthood dramatically alters one’s perspective on cleanliness and hygiene. From embracing the unpleasantness of bodily fluids to utilizing unconventional methods for cleaning, the journey is filled with unexpected transformations that leave many parents wondering how they ever lived differently.
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