In the realm of decision-making, many people reflect on guiding principles, often contemplating “What would Jesus do?” or “What would Oprah do?” As parents, many find themselves pondering “What would my mom do?” while navigating the exhilarating yet daunting journey of raising children. Mothers often draw upon their own experiences, recalling how their parents managed everything from minor injuries to more profound life lessons, addressing everyday queries about the universe, bedtime, and nutrition, as well as more complex topics like consent and loss.
I, like many others, frequently ask myself, “What would my mother do?” in various situations. However, my approach often leads me to take a different path altogether. Instead of mirroring my mother’s methods, I consciously choose to diverge from them.
My childhood home was characterized by a pervasive sense of fear—walking on eggshells was a daily reality. Despite frequent verbal affirmations of love, they often felt hollow and conditional. I distinctly recall my mother saying, “I love you because I gave birth to you, but that doesn’t mean I have to like you,” during my elementary years. Around my fourteenth birthday, my father bluntly expressed, “I love your mother more than I love you—I chose her; you just came along.”
During my formative years, my mother would often isolate me in my room for hours, claiming she “couldn’t stand” me. When I returned home from school, emotionally bruised from social conflicts, her first inquiry was always, “What did you do wrong?” Sick days were treated as inconveniences, and I was confined to my room, unable to watch television because, in her words, “If you’re too sick for school, you’re too sick for TV.”
I internalized these messages, believing that I was at fault for her feelings and that my worth was contingent upon approval. I thought I was a “bad girl” and an inconvenience. After all, mothers are supposed to have our best interests at heart, right?
Yet, despite these experiences, my mother imparted significant lessons about parenting. She taught me the value of expressing love sincerely—beyond mere formalities. I make it a point to tell my children I love them during joyful moments, but also during challenging times, reassuring them that nothing they do could ever change my love for them, even when they may frustrate me, like spilling a container of rice on the kitchen floor.
In contrast to the loneliness I experienced, I strive to envelop my children in a sense of empowerment. At ages four and five, they should feel a sense of limitless potential rather than face obstacles. I want them to understand that they will always have loving arms to catch them when they fall or comfort them after nightmares.
I prioritize open communication, actively engaging my daughter about her school day with curiosity rather than judgment. This approach allows her to express her feelings honestly, enabling us to collaboratively explore solutions for future challenges.
Navigating parenthood without my mother has its trials. There are moments when I wish for her guidance—just not the kind she offered. As my father wisely stated, we cannot choose our relatives; we can only learn from their strengths and weaknesses, adopting what serves us well while discarding the rest.
Ultimately, the most crucial question I find myself asking is, “What would I do?” This reflection guides my parenting journey, emphasizing the importance of creating a nurturing environment for my children.
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In summary, while my upbringing taught me valuable lessons about love and communication, my journey as a parent is defined by a conscious effort to create a nurturing and supportive environment for my children, embracing what resonates with my values.
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