I Am Absolutely Exhausted

Parenting

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Updated: July 20, 2021
Originally Published: October 28, 2014

I am utterly drained.

I am so fatigued that last night, I found myself sleeping in a king-sized bed, a top bunk, a twin-sized bottom bunk, and on the floor beside the crib, my head resting on a Boppy, all between 10 PM and 6:30 AM.

I am so tired that I leave marks on the hardwood floor from my nightly pacing. Perhaps I should invest in a pedometer, as I likely burn more calories during those restless nights than I do throughout the day. In fact, I’m certain I do, considering my incessant walking and constant breastfeeding routine.

I am so exhausted that even the dog has stopped sleeping in my room, opting instead for a quieter space, as he too needs his rest.

I am so tired that I once poured orange juice into my coffee instead of milk.

I am so fatigued that I accidentally squeezed tinted moisturizer onto my toothbrush instead of toothpaste.

I am so tired that I put my pants on inside out and didn’t realize it until I attended my Pure Barre class, where the other women cast curious glances my way. I had to sneak into the bathroom to rectify the situation.

I am so tired that I once looked for my keys in the freezer, a place I’ve found them before after unloading groceries alongside frozen peas.

I am so tired that I placed my home phone in my purse when I drove my kids to school this morning.

I am so exhausted that I hung up after making an appointment, promptly forgetting all the details, yet felt too embarrassed to call back for clarification.

I am so tired that my five-year-old recently completed a school project for Mother’s Day, listing my favorite thing as sleep and my favorite drink as coffee.

I cannot recall the last time I slept through the night without interruptions, but I am certain it was more than two years ago.

I am weary because I am effectively a milk-producing factory for my nine-month-old.

I have googled “baby sleep” over 1,000 times in the past nine months.

I feel intense frustration when I read comments on parenting websites where anonymous users claim their child slept through the night at six weeks old thanks to a “nighttime routine.” Thank you, anonymous parent; I’ve never tried one of those!

I feel a surge of anger when Facebook friends post about their first child sleeping through the night at just a few months old. They do not comprehend the burden they impose on those of us who have not been blessed with good sleepers.

I own more than a dozen books on sleep strategies.

I am so tired that I once thought I might have side-swiped a parked car while three children screamed in the back of my van. I was late for an appointment and caught in heavy traffic, with no chance to stop. When I returned five minutes later, the car was gone. I drove to the police station to confess my potential mistake, and the officer advised me to go home and take a nap, cautioning that I might be taken advantage of in my current state.

I am so fatigued that while holding my baby on my hip, I explained to the officer that my minivan is awkwardly sized and that I had never bumped into anything in my life until I owned this vehicle, yet now both sides are scraped from frequent encounters with my garage and trash cans.

I even informed him that my husband has also had trouble navigating the dimensions of our minivan.

One day, I struggled to park my minivan next to the curb on an empty street. A construction worker watched my futile attempts. Eventually, I had to drive around the corner to park, avoiding further humiliation. After having three children, I have concluded that parking skills are the first thing to go when one is sleep-deprived.

I am so tired that making small talk has become nearly impossible. I frequently stick my foot in my mouth and feel embarrassed by my blunders. Just yesterday, my daughter’s teacher complimented her pink Converse shoes, and I awkwardly responded, “Oh, her husband is obsessed with shoes,” when I meant my husband!

Even though I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, I find myself shoving handfuls of chocolate chips or leftover Halloween candy into my mouth during the afternoon just to make it to bedtime.

I acknowledge that I brought this exhaustion on myself. With three children under five, the likelihood of at least one waking up during the night is unavoidably high. If I’m up three times with the baby and twice with the toddler, that adds up to five disturbances. The math is simple: three kids equal perpetual sleeplessness.

I now truly understand what it means to be “bone tired.” My body aches.

I recognize why sleep deprivation is categorized as a form of torture.

I am so exhausted – I urgently need to implement a sleep training regimen for my baby.

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In summary, the experience of motherhood can be overwhelmingly exhausting, leading to a state of perpetual fatigue that affects daily functioning, social interactions, and overall well-being. Finding solutions to manage sleep deprivation is essential for both parents and children.