In recent weeks, I’ve encountered several articles titled “5 Ways to Please Your Man,” which often leave me feeling more amused than inspired. Here’s a humorous take on how those suggestions might play out in real life.
Suggestion #1: Welcome Him Home in Style
The article suggests greeting your partner at the door in an apron and heels.
Reality Check: After putting the kids to bed early, you manage to find an apron that humorously declares, “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.” The heels? They haven’t seen the light of day since before your first child arrived, so you rummage through boxes in the basement, bent over, only to have your four-year-old catch you mid-search, exclaiming, “Eeww! Mom’s booty!” When your partner finally arrives, he finds you slumped on the couch, chips strewn around, one blue heel on and one black.
Suggestion #2: Surprise Him at Work
The second piece of advice is to show up at his office in a trench coat and high heels.
Reality Check: You leave the house looking like a cross between a detective and a fashion faux pas, only to be stopped by a security guard who insists on checking your bag for contraband before issuing a visitor’s pass. The kids, meanwhile, are clamoring to join in the fun, demanding their own disguises. You quickly retreat to your minivan, red-faced and defeated.
Suggestion #3: Send a Provocative Selfie
The third suggestion involves sending a seductive selfie to your partner.
Reality Check: After a brief moment of contemplation about the ramifications of sending a risqué photo to his work phone, you find yourself barricaded in the bathroom, attempting sultry poses while your kids bang on the door. You ultimately decide to exclude your face from the photo. A few hours later, his response isn’t quite what you expected: “Did Johnny get another spider bite? Looks bad this time.”
Suggestion #4: Express Your Admiration
The fourth idea is to sit on his lap and declare him your hero.
Reality Check: As you attempt to sit on his lap, your partner shifts over, puzzled. Your two-year-old sees this as an invitation to claim his dad’s lap, resulting in a cozy pile of kids squeezed between you. Leaning over the little ones, you whisper sweet nothings into his ear, only to be met with confusion as he switches the TV to a superhero cartoon.
Suggestion #5: A Romantic Dinner Revelation
Finally, the article suggests making a reservation at his favorite restaurant and revealing that you’re not wearing any underwear mid-meal.
Reality Check: You grapple with what constitutes his favorite spot. After much deliberation, you settle for a kid-friendly pizza joint. When you finally lean in to whisper your secret, he responds with a reminder about the spinach stuck in your teeth and the realization that you might be low on clean laundry. After a couple of glasses of wine, you find yourself comfortably snuggled in your drawstring pajamas, feeling far from the sultry vixen you intended to be.
These amusing scenarios highlight the often unrealistic expectations placed on relationships. For more insights on navigating the complexities of parenting and relationships, check out resources like Make a Mom and RMany.
In summary, while these suggestions might sound enticing in theory, the reality often involves a mix of humor and chaos that makes parenting a delightful adventure.
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