How to Triumph Over Your Most Exasperating Facebook Friend

1. Individuals who have engaged with content suggesting that chemtrails are government-sponsored chemical dispersals for mind control will not qualify for this contest. This includes sharing or commenting on posts that frame contrails as harmful. This stipulation exists because having extreme views provides an unfair competitive edge over those who are simply annoying. As the poet Rumi wisely noted, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”
2. If you have ever utilized a Rumi quote as a status update, you will be disqualified from this contest. This rule is necessary to limit the number of participants to a manageable amount. Again, Rumi’s insights remind us, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”
3. Participants who have propagated the idea that vaccinations lead to autism or shared related “evidence” are not eligible (refer to Rule 1). However, if you merely asserted that individuals who believe in this theory should be allowed to express their opinions, you are welcome to enter.
4. If you’ve expressed gratitude for your mother’s cancer remission or narrowly avoiding a vehicular accident, you may enter, but your chances of winning are slim due to the context of “grateful” in your situation. Conversely, if your gratitude stems from “yummy snacks” or the return of your mother’s illness as a chance to address your “issues around impermanence,” you should definitely participate. Bonus points will be awarded for using the hashtag #grateful alongside a photograph of a field of lupins, provided this was posted before the contest announcement.
5. For those who have changed their name on Facebook, please disclose any previous names to ensure a comprehensive review of your posting history. If your former name was Pirate Fox, refrain from illustrating it with a fox wearing a star-shaped eye patch. Instead, simply write “Pirate Fox.” If you have altered your name more than 14 times in the last two years, or more than seven times in four years, or more than three times in your lifetime, please send a printout of all your Facebook updates and comments via traditional mail. Ensure that the updates under each name are separately stapled, as a special prize awaits those whose name changes have contributed to their annoying tendencies.

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Lastly, feel free to enter if you’re “taking a break from Facebook,” especially if your last status update cited a desire to be more present with family and yourself. However, if you’ve taken the Buzzfeed quiz “Which Game of Thrones Character Are You?” please refrain from entering, as this may serve as a tiebreaker.

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In summary, navigating the intricacies of Facebook interactions can be daunting, especially when attempting to manage the more irritating aspects of online friendships. By following the outlined guidelines, you can strategically position yourself for success in this unconventional contest.