Updated: March 23, 2023
Originally Published: November 30, 2014
As I approach the ten-month mark with my seventh child, it has become clear to me that parenting is primarily about transitioning from one difficult phase to the next. Just when you think you’ve conquered the toughest obstacle, it appears another, even more daunting one is on the horizon.
Phase 1 — Sleep Deprivation
If you’re fortunate, this phase may last only a couple of months. However, for many, the reality is more akin to six or seven months of sleepless nights. But persevere, and one day you’ll find yourself going to bed, anticipating the usual interruptions. Eight hours later, you’ll wake up, glance at the clock, and realize you’ve achieved your first full night’s sleep in ages. You may initially panic, fearing something is wrong with your little one, only to discover they’ve simply slept through the night. Relief will wash over you, and you’ll think, “Finally, things will be easier now.” But then…
Phase 2 — Mobility
This phase can be even more challenging than sleep deprivation for two key reasons. First, your child will seek out every choking hazard imaginable, and you’ll find yourself wanting to eliminate every toilet, trash can, and pet dish in your home. Your ability to accomplish household tasks will be significantly hampered, if not entirely obliterated. Additionally, you’ll come to realize just how dirty your living space is, determining when it’s time to mop based on the shade of gray (or black) on your child’s knees and feet. This phase typically lasts around two years. Then, one day, you’ll leave the bathroom door open, and to your surprise, no one will venture in to wash their face in the toilet. The next day, you’ll leave a garbage can on the floor, and remarkably, the contents remain undisturbed. You can finally exhale a bit.
Phase 3 — Talking
You eagerly encourage your child to utter that magical first word. “Say Mama! Say Mama!!!” What you don’t realize is that once they begin talking, they rarely stop. Those initial “Mamas” are adorable, but by the 4,000th repetition in a single hour, it becomes quite tedious. And when “Mama” is preceded by “You’re the worst” and followed by “ever,” suddenly it’s not so charming anymore. This phase never truly ends, but you eventually learn to accept it.
Phase 4 — The Toddler Years
Forget the so-called terrible twos; they are a mere warm-up. The threes can be a disaster, and the fours? They truly test your patience. This period can push you to the brink of therapy, or at the very least, anger management classes. Expect to hear “Whyyyyyyyyyyyy????” and “Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaasse???” and “NO!” at least 387 times each day. Whoever invented timeout must have been knee-deep in this phase. You emerge from this stage utterly exhausted, panting, and on the verge of collapse.
Phase 5 — Lying
If you believe your children don’t lie, you’re likely still in this phase, deceiving yourself.
Phase 6 — “But Jane’s mom lets her do it”
This one is self-explanatory.
Phase 7 — The Teenage Years
This phase may be just as challenging as the toddler years, if not worse. Your children might be bigger than you and able to outrun you, adding a layer of difficulty.
Phase 8 — Can I Have Some Money?
This phase stretches on longer than any other, as I can personally attest at age 45—I’m still living it.
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Summary
Parenting involves navigating a series of challenging phases, from sleep deprivation and mobility to communication, toddler tantrums, and eventually dealing with the trials of adolescence. While each stage presents its own unique difficulties, understanding and accepting these transitions can help parents cope more effectively.
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