1. Urgency
On a chilly and dim Sunday afternoon, hunger strikes. Your refrigerator is bare. The local tavern, known for its gypsy jazz sessions, offers a nostalgic ambiance reminiscent of 1890s saloons, complete with bartenders dressed as infamous outlaws. The limited menu features enticing hamburgers priced at $16 each. Fortunately, they provide a handful of high chairs, suggesting a tolerance for young patrons. Plus, their cocktails—especially the delightful grape soda-inspired “Lozenge”—are worth the visit.
2. Hopefulness
Upon entering, you notice an abundance of children. Celebrities like Claire and Jacob are reportedly hosting a family gathering in the back, and parents seem to enjoy the music and their Dark and Stormys while their kids remain relatively composed. Surely, your little one can behave as well.
3. Sudden Dread
Your child is now 15 months old, a challenging age for dining out. Before this stage, infants are easily manageable in car seats. Afterward, they can be distracted with screens. But at this age, their newfound mobility combines with a rebellious streak, creating a chaotic experience akin to wrestling a spirited pig.
4. Gradual Exhaustion
This remarkably strong little one is determined to reach the wall sconce, and in doing so, might launch a candle into your hair, hot wax splattering everywhere. The patrons nearby are polite, albeit visibly strained. You offer them a “Lozenge” as a peace offering and grab one for yourself in the process.
5. Embarrassment
Your older child, previously absorbed in a cartoon, suddenly announces, “Mommy, I’m a superhero.”
“What’s your superpower?” you ask, distracted by the chaos.
“It’s stinking,” he replies, and you quickly realize what he means. You bury your face in your drink, hoping nobody notices.
6. Self-Reflective Doubt
Why did you opt for this outing? Takeout would have been a far wiser choice. At home, you possess all the necessary equipment to secure your child—like the Swedish high chair resembling a Hannibal Lecter mask.
7. Acceptance
Now seated in his high chair, your baby extends his sticky hands toward anyone passing by. Occasionally, he grabs pockets or apron strings. At one point, he manages to latch onto someone’s wallet, pulling them backward like a fishing line. You purchase them a “Dramamine” cocktail and grab another for yourself.
8. Lightheadedness
You haven’t felt this tipsy and desperate for food since your twenties, when late-night falafel runs were the norm. When the food arrives, you tear into a hamburger with your bare hands, sharing pieces with the kids, and manage to finish your own meal in record time.
9. Desperation
As the check arrives, your baby snatches it from the server and tosses it into the next booth, mistaking it for trash. You gather your children, strollers, bags, and coats, attempting to regroup on the sidewalk. The bartenders glance at you with a mix of relief and amusement. It’s 4:45 PM—only three hours until bedtime. Perhaps a stop for ice cream is in order?
In summary, dining out with small children can lead to a whirlwind of emotions, from initial excitement to moments of chaos and eventual relief. For those interested in navigating the world of parenting, whether through traditional methods or exploring options like home insemination, resources like Make A Mom’s Impregnator and UCSF’s IVF Guide provide valuable insights.
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