Updated: May 5, 2020
Originally Published: April 7, 2017
As my partner approached the end of her pregnancy, I found myself in a conversation about paternity leave with my supervisor. This took place three years ago.
“I wouldn’t take too much time off,” Mark remarked. “Your students could really fall behind.” I was seated at my desk, while Mark leaned back in his chair.
The word “fall behind” hung in the air, creating a weighty feeling in my chest. Mark, a mid-40s educator with nearly two decades of experience and a single father himself, likely didn’t mean to make me feel selfish. Still, it made me pause. He was someone who genuinely cared for the well-being of his employees and the students we served, which made his words resonate even more.
At that time, I was an academic advisor for a program focused on underrepresented students. I had about 80 students who I met with bi-weekly, and I could easily name several who might have dropped out if I hadn’t stepped in. My partner, Lisa, was due just as the spring semester was wrapping up—a critical period for students needing guidance.
However, Lisa and our newborn would also need my support. We had recently relocated to California, far from our home state of Texas, and often discussed how we were essentially each other’s only support system. Although Lisa’s mother planned to help us, our circle of friends was small, and I felt an undeniable responsibility to be there for my family.
I had accumulated enough sick leave to take seven weeks off. While university policy allowed for three months, I would not be compensated for all of it. This was my first professional role after college, yet we were welcoming our third child. With my first two, I had been juggling work in a restaurant while completing my studies and could only afford a few days off. The absence of paternity leave had always bothered me, as I felt I missed critical bonding moments and the chance to support Lisa when she needed it.
Suddenly, a sense of professional duty weighed on me. I wrestled with the idea that if I took too much time off, my students would be adversely affected. Our program was already struggling with funding and staffing issues.
Later that evening, once the children were asleep, Lisa and I discussed how much time I should take. “Seven weeks would be amazing,” she expressed. “I could really use your help.” I hesitated and shared Mark’s concerns about my students. “I’m not worried about my job, but I do worry about my students,” I admitted.
After some reflection, Lisa replied, “Having you around would be great, but my mom will be there. I want you at the hospital, but other than that, I’ll manage. We’ve done it before.”
I often tell people that being a father comes before my career, but when faced with the reality of balancing family and work, I found myself torn. It felt selfish to prioritize my family over my job. Deep down, I knew my students would likely be fine, and the work would carry on as usual, but guilt lingered. As a man, I had been conditioned to believe that my primary role was as a provider, and taking time off for family felt like an indulgence, akin to calling in sick for a non-existent illness. It felt shameful, especially since I was the new employee.
I recognized that taking time off after the birth of a child involves much more than recovery; it is a crucial period for bonding, adjustment, and support. Ultimately, I struggled with prioritizing my family over my work obligations, and I succumbed to the pressure.
I ended up taking just two weeks off. Reflecting on that decision now, I wish I had chosen differently. Like during the births of my first two children, I missed vital moments to connect with my newborn and support Lisa during a crucial recovery phase.
Although Lisa and I have decided not to expand our family further, I understand the pressure expectant fathers face. I also recognize the regret that can accompany the decision to prioritize work over family. If you have the chance to take paternity leave, seize it. Make the most of every moment. Your family will benefit, and you won’t look back with regret.
For further insights on the journey of parenthood, check out this resource on fertility and insurance, which can provide valuable information during this transitional period. Additionally, for those considering home insemination, you might find Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit helpful, as they are an authority on this subject. Also, this resource is another option to explore.
In summary, taking paternity leave is essential for new fathers. The balance between professional obligations and family responsibilities can be challenging, but prioritizing your family during this significant time is crucial for building strong bonds and supporting your partner.
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