I possess a unique item.
Are you catching my drift?
Good.
Many moons ago, back when my partner and I were footloose and fancy-free, I agreed to host a rather unconventional gathering. Think of it as a cross between a LuLaRoe and a Mary Kay party, but with playful adult-themed items like plastic phalluses, bizarre flavored gels, and edible lingerie. (After examining those edible undergarments up close, I can assure you they’re reminiscent of a fruit roll-up, complete with a texture that’s hardly appealing. But that’s a different story.)
As fate would have it, I was struck down by a terrible stomach bug just an hour before the event started—far too late to call it off. So, I isolated myself in our bedroom with a trash bin nearby, while my partner heroically stepped in to play the host. To my shock, he turned out to be quite the natural at selling these “adult toys.” Who would have guessed? Thanks to his skills, the items flew off the table, and I got to choose something for free. Naturally, I picked a large, vibrant, sparkly, motorized vibrating toy.
Fast forward a few years to when our eldest child was around five. After a closet reorganization, he started digging through a box of random belongings when suddenly I heard a buzzing noise, followed by a wide-eyed exclamation of “Whoa!”
My heart dropped as I turned to find the Big Blue contraption in his small hands, buzzing and spinning. “What’s this?” he asked, eyes as round as saucers.
Panic set in. Stay calm, I thought. If he believes it’s something forbidden, he’ll only want it more. “It’s…an antique,” I managed to say coolly, snatching it back. “I’ll just put this away.” My face burned with a level of embarrassment that can only stem from your child innocently discovering your vibrator. I quickly ushered him out of the closet, burying Big Blue on the highest shelf behind a mountain of clutter.
“What’s an antique?” came his muffled voice from outside.
I can’t recall what I told him, as we tend to block out traumatic experiences. But apparently, it made a lasting impression. Not long ago, while visiting my mother, I joked about a ceramic cat she had purchased in the ’80s, saying something like, “If you keep that cat much longer, it’ll be an antique.”
To my surprise, my son chimed in, “Hey, just like your antique!”
Confused, I replied, “What antique?”
He looked at me incredulously, “You know, the one in your closet? The big sparkly blue thing that makes a buzzing sound and spins? What happened to it? Can we get it out and play with it?”
Oh. My. Goodness.
He was referring to my vibrator (in front of my mother, no less!) and thought of it as just another toy.
“Uh, that?” I said nonchalantly, dying inside. “I think I tossed that years ago.” But the truth is, I hadn’t.
Maybe now I should.
For more insights on parenthood, including articles on home insemination, check out this informative piece on home insemination kits. Another excellent resource is Healthline’s guide on pregnancy.
In summary, navigating the world of parenting often leads to unexpected and humorous situations. Whether it’s a child discovering a parent’s “antique” or the challenges of explaining adult concepts, each moment adds to the joy and complexity of family life.
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