As I sat at my kitchen table on the morning of my father’s funeral, I found myself lost in thought, my cold coffee untouched. Suddenly, my daughter, who was just 7 at the time, came over to me, seeking comfort in my lap. The scent of her freshly washed hair was a welcome distraction as we shared a quiet moment. After a while, she hopped off and asked, “Mom, did you pack my play-outside clothes?”
When I explained that we would be wearing our church clothes, she looked confused. “But, Mom, we are going to get so dirty!” she insisted. It dawned on me that she thought we were going to physically bury my father, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at her innocent misunderstanding.
Funerals can be overwhelming for adults, but for children, the concepts of death and loss can be particularly unsettling. Here are four strategies to help your child cope during this challenging time.
1. Be Transparent and Prepared for Unexpected Questions
Children often ask questions that range from practical concerns to deep philosophical inquiries. My kids were curious about where my father went after he died, what his final words were, and whether heaven was cold. They wanted reassurance that their other grandparents wouldn’t leave them unexpectedly. At the funeral home, they had questions about the casket and the embalming process; we answered them openly and without judgment, knowing they were trying to process the loss of their grandfather.
2. Utilize Age-Appropriate Literature About Death
While it may seem grim, reading stories about death can be incredibly helpful for children. They often relate better to characters and narratives. When my daughter was grappling with my father’s death, her school counselor provided a Sesame Street book where Big Bird navigated loss. This resource became a pivotal tool for our family, helping them understand the situation better.
3. Consider Special Keepsakes for Your Child and the Deceased
On the advice of a friend, my children chose identical teddy bears before my father’s funeral—one for each of them and one to accompany him in the casket. These bears became a symbol of their ongoing love for their grandfather and a source of comfort during the months that followed. In times of grief, a cuddly companion can offer emotional solace, especially on the day of the funeral.
4. Involve Children in the Dying Process When Appropriate
When my father was diagnosed with cancer, he was vibrant and full of life. However, as his illness progressed, he became frail. While I noticed his physical decline, my children only saw their grandfather—the one who smiled at their visits. After his passing, they looked at photo collages and were surprised to see how sick he had appeared. Children have a unique ability to perceive beyond the surface, and their insights can be enlightening.
Reflecting on my father’s passing, I realized that my children’s innocent perspectives helped me navigate my grief. They reminded me that laughter can coexist with sorrow, providing moments of relief amidst the heartache.
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In summary, supporting children through their first funeral experience requires honest communication, engaging resources, tangible connections, and appropriate involvement in the dying process. These strategies can help children navigate their emotions while providing comfort to the entire family.
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