In the realm of parenting, discussions about “self-care” often include the importance of nurturing adult friendships. Articles frequently suggest activities like “going out with friends,” “hosting wine nights,” or “catching up over coffee.” While these outings offer a brief escape from the daily grind of parenting—whether it’s building train tracks or coloring with toddlers—they often come with an underlying exhaustion.
Getting ready for a night out can be enjoyable, but the inevitable fatigue usually hits by 10:30 PM. Sharing a bottle of wine after the kids have gone to bed can be relaxing, allowing for laughter over shared parenting mishaps, such as the time half of my makeup stash ended up in the toilet. And yes, a Starbucks run during a Target trip can serve as a comforting backdrop for sharing frustrations while still contemplating small gifts for the little ones. However, for friendships to thrive, especially as a parent, they need to be built on mature, communicative adults.
As a mom, I spend a majority of my time unraveling the mysteries of my children’s emotions. My son, for instance, often enters a room sulking, and I must discover the cause of his distress, only to find that it’s something as trivial as lions disliking baths. The pursuit of truth can be relentless—whether it’s figuring out who pushed whom or why a child is upset. Just recently, my four-year-old sobbed for thirty minutes over the fact that I didn’t allow him to eat the chips he had just vomited on. When he looked at me, repeating, “You broke my heart,” I realized the profound absurdity of parenting.
There are moments when my children plop down on the couch with deep sighs of discontent, and I hesitate to ask what’s the matter. It’s not that something is necessarily wrong; I simply dread the possibility of being met with complaints about screen time privileges being revoked after a sibling incident. In fact, early in my parenting journey, I lost my patience with my husband for making similar sounds while reading, only to snap, “If you have something to say, say it like an adult! I don’t want to guess!” His quiet demeanor afterward suggested I had effectively startled him into silence.
I am in the business of raising future adults—two, soon to be three, of whom I hope will grow up to be well-adjusted and articulate. I cannot afford to decipher vague sighs or ambiguous Facebook statuses. If you want to converse as my friend, please communicate clearly.
This isn’t to imply that I’m perfect or have everything figured out; I certainly have my selfish and immature moments. However, I firmly believe that for friendships to flourish, direct communication is essential. I simply do not have the time or energy to dig for hidden meanings.
One of the joys of adulthood is choosing where to invest your energy. I’ve had conversations with some remarkable women who similarly acknowledge the value of cultivating certain friendships while letting go of the need to connect with everyone. It’s liberating to come to terms with this realization.
When we embrace honesty, we recognize that “letting loose” means not stressing over the state of the house when a friend arrives with pizza and a movie for the kids. It means using my shirt as a makeshift spit-up rag without missing a beat and being perfectly fine with discipline measures taken with my children. It means understanding when I need a friend to support me through the chaos and when I could use an extra set of hands for chores. It also means that wine night can happen in the afternoon, and having a trusting relationship allows us to have candid discussions about each other’s habits.
I’m not looking for superficial or trivial friendships; I desire connections devoid of drama and gossip. I want to be there for both the significant moments and the mundane ones, without hesitation or the need for extensive explanations. I want to own up to my mistakes and offer forgiveness, striving for maturity in our interactions.
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In summary, as mothers, we learn to value the quality of our friendships over the number of friends we have. Meaningful, honest connections allow us to navigate the complexities of parenting while supporting each other in a genuine way.
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