Updated: Feb. 11, 2021
Originally Published: April 15, 2017
My partner, Jamie, and I had orchestrated a grand surprise for our three children, who were eagerly lined up on the sofa. Oliver, our 9-year-old, wore a colorful superhero T-shirt and mismatched shorts, his hair tousled, clearly anticipating the unveiling of a new gaming console. Lily, our 7-year-old, was dressed in her favorite fairy costume, radiating excitement. Meanwhile, our toddler, Mia, was transfixed by a movie on the iPad—her best chance of staying still for the reveal.
After an entire year of saving, we had finally arranged a family trip to Disneyland. This was a significant achievement for us, both working in education and living in a modest home in rural Oregon. Our marriage had revolved around frugality, and this would be our largest family vacation ever—three days in the park, staying at the Disneyland Hotel, complete with park hopper passes. We had often discussed how thrilled our kids would be and how rewarding it would feel to give them this experience. In the weeks leading up to the reveal, we communicated in code, planning meticulously after bedtime.
We had wrapped the tickets in festive paper, along with complimentary Disneyland luggage tags. Jamie handed the package to Oliver and Lily, and they eagerly tore it open. We exchanged glances, both envisioning their enthusiastic reactions.
“What’s this?” Oliver asked, his voice flat.
“They’re passes to Disneyland!” Jamie exclaimed, her voice filled with excitement.
“Oh…” Oliver replied, sounding as indifferent as when we told him we were having peanut butter and jelly for lunch. Lily mirrored his reaction, and I felt a sudden deflation inside me.
Jamie’s expression mirrored my confusion—lips pressed together, brow furrowed. The tickets lay untouched on the floor; Oliver had already donned his headphones and returned to his game, while Lily ambled back to her room. There was no applause, no cheers, no signs of excitement.
Ummm, what just happened?
As parents, there are various ways to interpret such moments. One might conclude that our children have become spoiled, accustomed to such surprises. However, given that our last family vacation was a modest trip to a free zoo five years prior, I doubted that theory.
Alternatively, perhaps we had failed to instill in them an appreciation for the magic of Disneyland. I recall my own childhood memories of the Magic Kingdom, which felt legendary, often discussed with awe by both kids and their parents.
Ultimately, I believe what happened was something many parents experience: we projected our emotional expectations onto our children, assuming they would value the same experiences we cherished. This is common in various activities, such as sports, where parents enthusiastically encourage their kids to engage, only to find them disinterested.
Jamie and I both visited Disneyland as children, and those memories are among our most treasured. I distinctly remember my visit with my father, which stands out as a rare positive memory amidst a childhood marked by neglect. However, our children had not yet experienced Disneyland, and thus, they didn’t know what to be excited about. They simply didn’t share our emotional investment.
In that moment, though, I was bewildered and hurt. I questioned my parenting choices.
“Really?” Jamie asked, incredulously. “You don’t care?” She called Lily back into the room to tell her about the princesses she would meet and Snow White’s Castle. We then shared details with Oliver about the rides and attractions, including Star Wars-themed experiences. We turned to the internet and watched videos of various attractions, and gradually, they began to understand the excitement. Success!
In the end, we had a fantastic trip, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed every moment. Now that they have experienced Disneyland, I am confident that if we surprised them with passes again, their reactions would be far more enthusiastic. However, it dawned on us in that moment that our children are still discovering the world. We cannot expect them to resonate with experiences that hold deep significance for us simply because they are growing up in a different time. Their lack of excitement doesn’t reflect ingratitude; it highlights their individuality.
And let me emphasize, I’m very relieved they enjoyed Disneyland because it was a considerable investment.
In summary, planning surprises for kids can sometimes lead to unexpected reactions. Our experiences shape our perspectives, and it’s essential to recognize that children may not always share the same enthusiasm for events tied to our own cherished memories. Understanding this can help navigate the complexities of parenting.
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