A few months ago, I found myself at a breaking point. The demands of daily life—my relationship, my children, the deteriorating condition of our home, the incessant barking of our dog, and the chaotic political scene—were overwhelming. This emotional strain manifested in sudden outbursts of anger and quiet moments of tears. Caffeine and my hectic schedule fueled my existence, making it difficult to maintain a positive outlook.
Recognizing the need for change, I explored various self-care options, including acupuncture and weekly massages, but the idea of eliminating my favorite foods felt too extreme. After hearing friends rave about their transitions from stress to tranquility and a barista’s glowing transformation, I decided to try meditation. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, nearly 18 million adults in the U.S. engaged in meditation in 2012; I was eager to join the trend.
While I approached meditation with skepticism, the potential benefits were enticing: improved relaxation, enhanced focus, reduced anxiety, better memory, and even decelerated aging. All that was required was to find a quiet spot, close my eyes, and focus on my breathing—preferably every day. However, the pressure of maintaining a daily practice began to stress me out. What if I missed a session? Life had a way of throwing curveballs—my child could become ill, or I might fall ill myself.
Could the very thought of meditation be causing me anxiety? Determined not to abandon this endeavor before it began, I downloaded a meditation app featuring a soothing British narrator named Ben. The next morning, I woke up early, eager to embrace this new practice, and settled into my favorite chair for what would be the longest ten minutes of my life.
Ben reassured me that some days would be easy while others would be tough. Yet, in my half-awake state, I found myself distracted by his charming accent and the absence of my morning coffee. How would I benefit without caffeine? Nevertheless, I followed his instructions and focused on my breath.
Suddenly, the neighbor’s dog began barking, prompting my dog to join in. I attempted to ignore it, but Ben suggested I acknowledge the sounds around me. This only heightened my anxiety as I anticipated a barking frenzy that would inevitably wake my daughter. The remaining minutes of my session were spent listening for the five-year-old, worrying about my grocery supply for school lunches, and contemplating my next haircut appointment.
Clearly, this was one of those challenging days. I persisted, dragging myself out of bed each morning to sit and breathe. Unfortunately, despite nearly two months of ten-minute sessions, I did not experience the calm and productivity I had hoped for.
During meditation, I would envision my body filling with golden light, but my mind quickly shifted to stressful thoughts—considering escape routes if our house caught fire, fretting about potential earthquakes while driving, or worrying if my husband remembered to take out the trash.
Ben instructed me to observe my wandering thoughts and gently redirect my focus to my breath. However, the more I cleared the surface clutter, the more underlying worries emerged. In my non-meditating hours, I often felt more anxious and lethargic, gaining weight and neglecting responsibilities. I missed the motivation that anxiety had provided; at least then, I was getting things done.
Family members noticed I was less prone to yelling, which might have been an improvement, but I did not feel happy. I felt disconnected and struggled with the belief that I wasn’t practicing meditation correctly.
Eight weeks into my meditation experience, I decided to stop. Perhaps I will revisit it when the time feels right. For now, I’ll embrace the one lesson that resonated with me: projecting kindness toward those who frustrate me feels better than reacting with anger.
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In summary, while meditation promised peace, my experience revealed that it could also heighten anxiety. This journey taught me valuable lessons, even if meditation wasn’t the right fit for me at this time.
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