As part of my daily routine, after sending my children off to school, I often shut my daughter’s bedroom door with frustration. Each time I glance inside, I feel a wave of irritation. Clothes are scattered across the floor, and papers cover her desk. I can’t help but think, “What’s the issue? Is it really that difficult to put clothes in the hamper?” This habit consistently dampens my mood.
Then I walk into my own room and immediately recognize my hypocrisy. My pajamas are sprawled across the floor, reminding me of my own messy childhood room, which often resembled a clothing store explosion.
I struggle with perfectionism. Sometimes I tell myself I’m a recovering perfectionist, yet that part of me lingers, always ready to surface. I constantly battle against that perfectionist voice, and sometimes, it seeps into my parenting, leaving me feeling uneasy.
An insightful perspective from Laura Bennett, author of “Positive Parenting Insights,” highlights the issue: “Children frequently face punishment for simply being human. They’re not allowed to express grumpiness, have bad days, or display disrespectful attitudes, while adults experience the same feelings regularly. We must stop imposing unrealistic standards on our children.”
I confess, I often wake up in a grumpy mood. My tone can be harsh, and I find myself snapping at everyone around me. The excuse? I’m human, and I’m the mom, right?
But do we extend the same understanding to our children? I’m genuinely trying, although it’s a constant challenge to remember that they, too, are human beings.
What I’ve discovered is that when children act out, there is usually an underlying cause for their behavior, whether it’s a rough night’s sleep, bullying at school, or simply waking up in a bad mood. After all, our kids are human, too.
Yet, too often, we react by punishing them, raising our voices, or withdrawing from them during their toughest moments. The emotional ups and downs of tweens and teens can be incredibly taxing.
I occasionally look at my younger children and see their neediness as overwhelming, forgetting that it stems from their humanity. They’re not trying to make life difficult for me; they’re navigating their own experiences and require my love and support along the way.
I admit, I’m needy too. If there were a title for the queen of neediness, I would likely hold it.
Recently, I’ve been communicating with my kids that it’s okay for them to feel angry or upset with me, but they must express those feelings appropriately. They can retreat to their rooms to cool off, vent into a pillow, and then discuss their feelings when they’ve gained some perspective. I’m working hard to model this behavior myself.
I strive to differentiate between punishing them for being human and punishing them for inappropriate behavior. However, it can be exhausting to navigate the emotional landscape of family life, especially with a three-year-old throwing tantrums, a pre-teen rolling her eyes, and a teenager with a perpetual disdain for the world. It often leaves me questioning my sanity.
It’s essential to remember that these little humans we’re raising are, well, human. They require empathy and understanding for their emotional responses, and punishing them for feeling upset or angry isn’t always the most constructive approach.
To keep myself grounded, I employ a few strategies:
- I inquire if there is something deeper troubling my child.
- I ask my kids directly about their feelings.
- I reflect on how I would feel if I were reprimanded the same way.
- I consider whether I would face punishment for similar behavior if I were the child.
One afternoon, my daughter returned from school in tears, visibly upset with everyone around her. My frustration grew as I struggled with her negative attitude. I was enjoying my day before her arrival. Why couldn’t she just stop ruining it?
In that moment, I wanted to send her to her room indefinitely to escape her emotional turmoil. But something urged me to pause and just be with her for a few moments—to connect.
So, I set aside my tasks, and we sat together on the couch. She didn’t say much, but I noticed her breathing calming and her expression softening as she gazed out the window. What she truly needed from me was my presence and undivided attention.
The key takeaway is that there’s no universal approach to parenting, but we must remember that our children are human, just like us. If we can release our expectations for perfection, our families may experience greater happiness.
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In summary, we should strive to allow our children the space to be imperfectly human, just as we are. Understanding their emotions and needs fosters a more compassionate family environment.
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