A few weeks ago, I had the incredible opportunity to present some of my work on bullying prevention to a group of enthusiastic children at a local bookstore. The experience was not only fulfilling, but a reporter also covered the event, writing a wonderful article about my book and my efforts with kids, parents, educators, and youth care professionals. This exposure led to numerous conversations in my community, as many recognized the bullying examples discussed in the article.
Since the article’s publication, I’ve been moved to tears by parents sharing their feelings of frustration and powerlessness regarding their children’s bullying experiences at school. One particularly gifted, yet socially awkward middle school student recounted his haunting experiences of continuous physical and verbal bullying on his school bus. An elementary school girl shared how she felt compelled to abandon her Australian accent shortly after starting school in the U.S. due to exclusion from her peers. The prevalence of these stories never ceases to amaze me; the ongoing cruelty is striking with every new account.
It’s vital to acknowledge that many bullying stories shared with me are genuinely horrifying and deeply painful. However, I also feel it’s necessary to be candid—some stories, while concerning, might not be as serious as they seem.
For instance, an acquaintance recently approached me after reading about my work: “I saw your picture in the paper, congratulations! I didn’t know you worked with bullied students. Things are getting so bad! Last week, my daughter was really bullied after school! A boy from our neighborhood threw a fistful of leaves right in her face when she got off the bus. When she got home, there were still leaves in her coat!”
I empathized and asked, “Was she very upset when she got home?”
“No, she just brushed the leaves off and told me they were having fun together,” she replied.
“Oh,” I thought, recognizing that sometimes children downplay their experiences due to embarrassment. “Did you get the sense she was covering for the boy?”
“No, she really seemed to think it was fun. She even threw leaves back at him, which I told her NEVER to do again! The nerve of those kids.”
“Those ‘kids,’” I clarified. “Was it just this one boy throwing leaves, or were there multiple kids?”
“It was just this one boy who lives nearby,” she assured me.
“Is he usually mean to her? Has he bothered her before?” I probed further.
“I don’t think so. That was the first time she mentioned him. But it better be the last time! I won’t tolerate her being bullied by that kid. Next time, I will tell the principal!”
While I always strive to respect everyone’s experiences, it’s apparent that there’s a pressing need to differentiate between rude behavior, mean behavior, and bullying itself. I was introduced to these distinctions by renowned children’s author, Trudy Ludwig, and have found them immensely helpful:
Rude Behavior
Rudeness is generally unintentional—an act that inadvertently hurts someone. For example, a relative of mine (whose name I won’t reveal) often comments on my curly red hair, suggesting I should consider coloring it or straightening it for a more sophisticated look. Although her comments may sting, I understand they stem from a place of care.
In children, rudeness might manifest as burping in someone’s face, cutting in line, boasting about grades, or even throwing leaves at someone. Such actions usually arise from thoughtlessness or poor manners, not from a desire to genuinely hurt someone.
Mean Behavior
This involves intentionally saying or doing something hurtful to someone, perhaps once or twice. The main difference between rudeness and meanness lies in intent; mean behavior is designed to harm. Kids may criticize their peers’ clothing, appearance, or intelligence, often driven by anger or the desire to elevate themselves at someone else’s expense.
Common examples of mean behavior include derogatory comments about appearance or intelligence, and impulsive remarks made in anger. While these actions can leave lasting wounds, they differ from bullying in significant ways that are important for adults to recognize.
Bullying
This is characterized by intentional aggression, repeated over time, and involves a power imbalance. Experts agree that bullying includes three key components: an intent to harm, a power disparity, and repeated aggressive actions. Bullying can take various forms, including physical aggression (like hitting or pushing), verbal aggression (hurtful words), relational aggression (social exclusion or spreading rumors), and cyberbullying (using technology to harm).
Understanding the distinctions between rude, mean, and bullying behavior is crucial, especially in our current culture where bullying has gained significant attention. With many children now empowered to speak out, schools have enacted anti-bullying legislation, and adults have been trained in essential intervention strategies. However, there’s a risk that overusing the term “bullying” for minor incidents can dilute its seriousness. If children and parents conflate rudeness or meanness with bullying, we risk losing focus on the genuine dangers of bullying, which can impact a child’s life profoundly.
In concluding, recognizing these differences is essential for teachers, parents, and community members to understand when intervention is necessary. As we’ve seen in the news, a child’s life can depend on adults distinguishing between mere rudeness and true bullying.
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Summary
In summary, differentiating between rudeness, meanness, and bullying is crucial for adults working with children. Understanding these distinctions helps ensure that we respond appropriately to children’s experiences and maintain the seriousness of bullying as a genuine concern.
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