In a recent read, I stumbled upon an insightful piece by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times, which delves into the transformations that married couples experience over time. The core argument emphasizes that while we often view our spouses as fixed entities, the reality is that we all evolve, and it’s crucial to recognize and embrace this change.
One statement particularly struck me: “Several long-married individuals I know have expressed, ‘I’ve experienced at least three marriages, all with the same person.’” My partner, Jessie, and I could certainly relate to this sentiment—we’ve likely had at least three distinct phases in our relationship: our carefree twenties, family-focused thirties, and now, our home-centered forties.
When Jessie and I first united in matrimony, we were essentially different people. Fast-forward thirteen years, three kids, and multiple degrees between us, and it’s clear how much we’ve shifted. At 21, I was a novice with little more than a desire to pursue mountain biking and collect tattoos. Today, I hold a graduate degree, work at a university, and drive a minivan—quite the contrast! Jessie too has transformed; she began with an associate’s degree and aspirations of motherhood, and now she has a bachelor’s degree, works in an elementary school, and embraces a vegetarian lifestyle.
Our journeys have intertwined, and we’ve even found ourselves adopting similar styles—sporting large-framed glasses and indulging in the same rom-coms. However, reflecting on our growth, I realize how unprepared I was for the shifts that came with each phase, as highlighted by Calhoun’s observations.
Jessie and I have navigated similar stages but often found ourselves out of sync. Initially, I was still reveling in social outings while she was ready to settle down. This led to numerous disagreements about my need to socialize versus her desire for family time. Eventually, I transitioned into focusing on completing my education, while she was immersed in caring for our children. Currently, we find ourselves in the phase of home ownership and prioritizing our kids’ needs.
Each of these transitions has brought its share of challenges, arguments, and ultimately, growth in our relationship. I find it intriguing to consider that many couples might not anticipate these changes, much like I did.
A thought-provoking TED Talk by Dan Gilbert resonates here. He explored how individuals envision their futures, revealing that people often mistakenly believe their current friendships and interests will remain unchanged a decade later. However, those who have lived through the years acknowledge significant shifts in preferences, values, and even personalities—something we can only appreciate in hindsight.
This tendency to assume constancy can be detrimental in marriages. When I wed Jessie, I envisioned us as relatively unchanged over the years. Of course, I anticipated aging, shifts in appearance, and evolving fashion. But I underestimated the extent to which our values and thought processes would transform.
Reflecting on our early marriage, my priorities have undergone a complete overhaul. I’ve moved away from aspirations of tattoos to focusing on financial responsibilities. The thrill of seeing punk bands has been replaced by my commitment to attending my son’s soccer practices. Gone are the days of worrying about appearing fashionable; practicality now reigns with my minivan choice.
The notion that your spouse remains a static figure is a fallacy. I used to joke with friends that long-term investment in marriage meant envisioning a partner with gray hair and added weight. Now, after over a decade of marriage, I understand that it’s much more nuanced. It involves accepting that your partner may explore new hobbies or undergo lifestyle changes that could diverge from your own preferences. It’s about loving someone as they embrace their new passions, whether that means travel while they prefer being at home or supporting their dreams—like learning to play an instrument despite lacking talent.
Throughout my marriage, I received various pieces of advice, most revolving around compromise and communication. However, I wish someone had emphasized the importance of change. The idea that I could experience multiple marriages with the same person is not only normal but essential for growth.
Dan Gilbert’s closing thoughts in his TED Talk encapsulate this beautifully: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.” This truth is also applicable to marriage.
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In summary, marriage is a journey of transformation. As we grow individually and together, embracing change is not only necessary but beneficial for a thriving relationship.
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